10 rules to a lads night out
Lets face it boys, we can all date girls and some of us even manage to hold down relationships but the fact remains – there’s nothing quite like getting together with all your pals and hitting the town for a night of beers, banter and bromance.
A night away from women reminds us of a simpler time, back in the carefree days when we were sneaking into horrendous local clubs using fake IDs, back when we assumed a night in Yates was every bit as mental as a week in Ibiza and had absolutely no intention of settling down, growing up or even going home.
Nowadays, as we all begin to develop responsibilities other than optimistically setting an alarm for a 9am lecture or even more optimistically sticking a couple of rubbers in our wallet before leaving the house, things are different. The lads nights out may be less frequent, however this simply means it’s even more crucial to get them spot on!
Here’s ten ways to help make that happen…
1. The Pre Drink
An essential part of any night out, because here in England it’s very important that we start drinking several hours before we go out drinking. For the lads a ‘pre drink’ or a ‘pre game’ is treated very much like a warm up before a football match, plenty of strategising, tactics, motivational music and maybe even a stretch or two. Popular accompaniments are the’ FIFA drinking game’, ‘Ring of Fire’ ‘Beer Pong’ or any other method to get competitively moist.
2. Bring The Banter
Boys and girls are very different when it comes to their behaviour towards their friends. Girls will spend hours getting ready and then superficially hand out compliments to reassure each other that they look fantastic, giving a confidence boost before the night commences. Lads on the other hand, will seize any opportunity to rip the piss out of a mate. Perhaps one of our pals has got a new haircut, it probably looks okay, but lets make him feel as self conscious as possible about it. Or maybe an embarrassing tale from the past comes up, (usually involving someone he’s shagged) this is then relentlessly referenced throughout the night, more enthusiastically and less coherently each time. It’s all good natured though, you just pray that you’re not the chosen one!
3. The Geezer Act
So you’ve been texting this girl all week, tweeting her, facebooking her, Whatsapping her, but now all of that is irrelevant, as you’re heading out with the boys, this means for the next few hours she doesn’t exist….or so you tell yourself as you see off the opening pint. Fear not, as a few rounds later she’ll definitely pop into your head and more than likely receive a drunken text, asking to ‘meet up soon’ or even worse some emotional bollocks. Soppy, but we all know it happens.
4. The Taxi Journey
The cab ride to the town centre is always a good laugh on the lads night. After a final spray of Paco Rabanne, you grab a beer ‘for the road’ and all pile into some poor fella’s car. Lads typically spend the duration of the journey, spilling drinks and loudly slurring football chants..often songs that have been cleverly edited to include a friend’s name or his girlfriend’s name, just to let him know that you love him. Brief concern for the driver’s existence will be shown through the standard question ‘Been busy’ and often quickly followed by ‘Stop at a cashpoint’
5. The First Round Livener
We’ve arrived in town and we’re feeling pretty pissed as it is, however, what we’re really after is another drink in a lively bar before we hit the club. Only problem is, somebody needs to step up and get the first round in, it’s a tense moment. All lads know that this round may well be the cheapest one of the night, but we also know that we might not get one back later and then there’s always that one mate who’s had a tough week on the dole. The first boozer is also a chance to check out the talent on display tonight, usually accomplished by leaning against the bar, Delboy style and trying to convince yourself that you might get laid later.
6. The Womaniser
Once inside the club, the predator within becomes unleashed. Now that we’re lagered up, we can begin to prowl. All those tactics discussed in the pre drink go out the window and we’re playing off instinct. There’s some good looking girls in here tonight, all the boys have necked a couple of jagerbombs, so lets see what happens. After several laps of the dancefloor, we tend to accept that our only hope is the old classics, grab your wingman and lurk by the bar ready to ask a couple of 5/10s if they fancy a drink, or head into the smoking area and pretend we’ve lost a lighter…
7. The fight that never was
A lads night out would not be complete without a moment or two of controversy. Maybe another bloke knocks into you and spills your drink, perhaps you unknowingly get hold of someone’s missus on the dancefloor, the possibilities are endless, one things for certain though, you’re about to have a stand off. The red mist appears and you almost instantly start talking like Danny Dyer… Good news is, your mates are always there to make sure your intense staring contest doesn’t get out of hand and pull you away from your nemesis in the nick of time before you unleash the ‘windmill’ and the bouncers send you packing.
8. The ‘Ballers’
You’ve managed to bag the fat girls number outside over a fag, you’ve nearly had a tear up and you’re starting to feel invincible, Blimey isn’t your life so Rock N Roll! This is the point in the night where your inflated ego demands that you bring out the big moves. This involves strutting up to the bar and unleashing the trusty debit card, you’ll definitely regret this tomorrow morning, but right now is all that matters and you are loving life. After you’ve tweeted a picture of that £300 bottle of Crystal – probably along with the hashtag ‘YOLO’, it’s time to find a booth, sit back and simply wait for the girls to come flocking…
9. The Power Hour
It’s approaching 2am, all the lads are suitably steaming and time is running out to secure the one night stand that you so desire. This calls for the power hour, pursuing anything and everything on the dance floor. At this time, your mate with the relationship is frantically texting his missus outside in an emotional state, where as all the single lads are attempting to impress the girls with their stiff dance moves that they can muster. If all else fails grinding on the nearest girl from behind is always a winner.
10. Go home with something, even if it’s only a kebab
Having finally stumbled out of the club, you’re going to have one of two things on your mind: If you haven’t pulled, because all the girls in there were quite obviously ’frigid’ or ‘stuck up’, then there’s nothing quite like a greasy takeaway to soften the blow. Lads typically tend to opt for one of the ten kebab shops which seem to magically appear in the high street at night time. Forget about saving any money for a taxi, you’ll order a large donner and walk eight miles instead, it’s a no brainer.