10 Things That Are Better Than Sex
I know what you’re thinking. 10 things better than sex?
But before you give me the usual: “Better than sex? Honey, you must be doing it wrong” let me take you for a walk down better-than-sex-lane.
No? Given the choice between a fortnight without the Internet and a fortnight without sex, which would you pick?
A 75% Off Sale
When you find something you like. And they actually have your size *mini orgasm*
Take my money, just take it.
Finally Removing A Piece Of Food From Your Teeth
There is nothing more satisfying than dislodging a piece of food which has been stuck in your teeth for what seems like a small eternity. It’s pretty much on the same level as making it to the toilet after you’ve been holding your pee for a really long time and taking your bra off after a long day.
Getting A Re-Tweet
You’re funny. Getting a re-tweeted proves that. Why? Because making yourself laugh doesn’t count.
Winning The Lottery
Or just as unlikely… getting a pay rise.
Having A “Fat Day”
To explain “fat day” to anyone who has never dieted in their life, it goes a little bit like this:
“Oh a cookie”
*takes a bite*
“Oh well, I’ve ruined my diet now, better eat everything in the house so there’s no temptation for when I start it again tomorrow”.
Being Successfully Sarcastic
My life pretty much consists of endless hilarious and witty comebacks… two hours after I needed them. Actually pulling off well placed sarcasm = self-five.
Drinking Wine And Judging People
What if you’re drinking wine and judging people with the person you later get to have sex with? Whilst eating cheese. And internet sale shopping. Well that my friends is the holy grail.
A 3am Big Mac After A Night Out
Or a chicken nuggets. Or chicken nuggets inside a Big Mac. Don’t look at me like that, it’s a common known fact that food tastes better after 3am. The greasier and cheaper the better. And trust me, at least you don’t have to buy a Big Mac three glasses of wine to persuade it to go home with you.
Still don’t think any of this stuff is better than sex?
Well, at the very least, they’re pretty damn close.