The 10 worst Valentine's Gifts
We’re girls ands we don’t accept excuses; no crap unthoughtful presents on Valentine’s Day please. Impress us or let your penis suffer.
1. No Thrift shopping – You are not Macklemore!
Or visiting the 99p store, don’t get cocky. Girls don’t need diamonds but we want to feel worth more than your spare change. A slap and tickle set made out of last season’s feather duster stock is not up to standard. Nor is a twenty pack of batteries, and if you’re buying her batteries in bulk you need to rethink your bedroom manoeuvres sonny!
2. A massive teddy/roses/chocolates.
Please, be creative. Just a little thought, a slightly different present to the girl on the next table sat in the small amount of room she’s been able to find aside her monstrosity of a plush toy. Also, roses die; is that what you think of our relationship?! Remember if a girl eats the chocolates it will only lead to hours of pain for you having to reassure her that no she hasn’t ballooned over the course of the evening. Remember you want the night to end in sex, and if she’s feeling insecure this will prove to be harder work. At least you’ve got the teddy to use as a size comparison.
3. Anal beads.
4. A pillow with your face on it.
Whatever you do, do not proudly proclaim you have also had one made with her face that is currently on your bed at home. That’s creepy.
5. A ring.
This is confusing to say the least; if you’re not proposing and she reacts in that way you will face a split second decision – do you go along with it to save her embarrassment, thus immediately setting up an even worse conversation later, or do you stop her mid celebration? That is, if she is indeed celebrating…could be awkward…
If you’re planning on actually proposing, don’t do it; how cliched.
6. A terrifying striptease.
While you feel sexy like Channing, she’ll be stifling laughter wishing you were Channing. I wouldn’t advise it.
“But darling, I am giving you the gift of love”. Fuck off, I want something material. Your company simply isn’t enough I’m afraid, and even if she hasn’t got you anything, you’ll still be in the doghouse if you haven’t bothered. We’ll complain about sexism till the cows come home but in this case we’re all for it, it’s just the way it works gents…
8. Flowers with the ‘reduced to 30p’ tag on them.
Or anything with the sale tag left on for that matter. The problem with flowers is that we can tell it’s a ridiculously last minute gift. If it’s something else reduced, at least you can blame it on the sales and therefore pretend you bought it in January (FYI we’ll still know that’s a lie). Flowers are a pretty lame dash en route buy anyway, but if they’re the reduced ones we’ll deduce there’s a severe lack of effort – you’ve even been the last of ALL THE OTHER MEN.
9. A meal deal.
Nothing says romance better than a flaming whopper meal. “But babe you can have three courses”, nope, no apple pie for you tonight. She’s off to make use of those batteries.
10. A whip.
You’ve explained your dominatrix fantasies to her on countless previous occasions, and although it hasn’t been met with the best reaction you’re convinced that if you kit her out she’ll miraculously change her mind. Wrong, she’ll get angry, which ironically is what you were hoping for.