5 reasons why you need to get a kebab after clubbing
It’s the end of the night. You’re invincible. Surfing on that drunken wave of confidence. The world is your oyster in this scenario chips and curry sauce. Strolling into that kebab shop you know you have won when the smell hasn’t made you vomit. Well done on being hammered but not sick. It’s a fine line and you have accomplished this incredibly beautiful balance.
So now what to do? The kebab shop provides the perfect environment for many an activity…
1. Show people you can dougie
The things you imagine yourself doing when you’re sober can finally be attempted whilst drunk. There’s no longer a crowded club hindering your performance space, you can go for it. None of your friends seemed to really appreciate your ability to pull of a dougie in the club but here everybody will! Just try not to knock someone’s cheesy chips to the floor. Your friends will probably whip out their camera phones and urge you on with comments like your smashing it. The video your tagged in the morning after will say otherwise.
2. Make a new best friend
This has obviously got to be a member of staff. If you were to approach a counter of any sort at any time of the day then it’s likely that you would place your order mumbling please and thank you and then be on your way. Not in this instance.
You find out everything there is to know about them, tell them all about why it didn’t work out with your ex and bitch about your friend that never gives you the credit you deserve for your dance moves. Kudos to these guys for putting up with all the shit we chat to them, just be sure that you don’t ask to try on his hat, that’s a massive no no.
Hopefully you’ll become best buds and get a few extra chips to throw at pigeons on the way home.
3. Its still not too late to pull
It’s the last chance of the night. You’ve had no luck in the club, but fear not! There is still time. Go share a table, even if it’s unnecessary. What have you got to lose? Your dignity yes, but who needs that? Grab a seat next to someone that catches your eye and pitch this as an extremely modern PC first date.
If your a guy profess your belief in equal rights and explain that is why she has paid for her own cheeseburger then maintaining a straight face tell her her buns look tasty and ask if she would like to try some of your sausage, if she bites chances are you’ve pulled. There is a chance you may end up with a burger thrown at your at your face.
If you’re a girl then pulling will be a lot simpler. It’s 4am in the morning and chances are your drunk. Once you’ve honed in on your hottie of choice take advantage of having lost any inhibitions you once had and nick a chip or two, then be sure to keep his attention
****Be warned he’s probably as drunk as you are and will offer some of his savaloy in return.
4. Have sex
If point number three has been a success then sex might be on the cards, it may even be that you’ve decided to share a tasty doner with the person you’ve met that night From previous experience be sure that sex is actually on the cards if your bringing someone you’ve met that night. There is NO point in cockblocking yourself from the ample pulling opportunity that a kebab shop will present you with.
There’s only really one rule here avoid PDA, if you find that there’s just to much chemistry and can’t wait till you get home then use the loos. I know they’re splattered in people’s regurgitated kebabs and jaeger bomb spew but it’s better than the shop floor. At least there is still the tiniest notion of romance in seeking out privacy.
You remember the friend recording your acrobatic triumphs earlier? Well they still have 9% battery and won’t think twice about recording you reaching second base. Trust me when I say they won’t think twice about uploading what can best be described as soft porn meets greasy doner. Better hope your mum isn’t your Facebook friend.
The video below highlights the need to be sure you aren’t being recorded!
5. Squeeze in a nap
Or rather, pass out. I’ve often asked myself why it is that the cold hard tables make for the perfect surface for an impromptu nap at the end of the night. Its always pretty much irrelevant that they’re covered in bits of lettuce, the odd soggy tomato and smeared in the make shift facial moisturiser that is ketchup.
The only redeeming thing about dozing off here is that the ketchup will be a hell of lot easier to wipe off than that permanent marker pen your mates will attack you with when you repeat this at home. I suppose you can count yourself lucky they got you home; after all they did abandon your friend who didn’t make it back from a trip to the toilet.