The 5 Things Every London Promoter HATES! - Xclusive TouchXclusive Touch
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The 5 Things Every London Promoter HATES!

Like most promoters I started working for night clubs in London whilst at uni, the attraction was obvious; getting paid to party. Pretty much everyone spends most of freshers drunk and the rest of  first year trying to shake off the tag of being a lightweight you earned yourself at freshers. Promoting was pretty much a no-brainer.

There are hundreds, if not thousands of memes all over the internet mocking promoters, often they’re hilarious and 9/10 true. Friends often have a grumble at me for the countless FB invites, maybe tagging them in a flier or for the “annoying” (their word not mine, I’d prefer informative and helpful) group texts.

However this post isn’t about that! It’s about the struggle that every promoter faces keeping club owners happy and not coming off as a complete and utter dick at the same time. 

So here’s my list of 5 things every promoter hates.

The Grenades

grenade pauly d atomic bomb woman jersey shore promoter

For anyone that hasn’t watched an episode of Jersey Shore or isn’t down with the cool kids a Grenade is a slang for a girl that isn’t very attractive. If anything the opposite of attractive. Now in writing this there was a bit of a face palm moment. I mean can I actually say that? Without wishing cause offence I am just being brutally honest. After all I’m not blessed with the looks of supermodel.

Regardless, club owners love seeing their clubs heaving, a beautiful young crowd and table spenders popping bottle of Don Perignon after bottle of Don Perignon. Now on the most part, large table spenders tend to be groups of guys throwing caution to the wind and racking a huge bar bill in a boozy display of hedonism.

Usually this is all done in attempt to look good and attract the attention of hottest girls in the club. It goes without saying that the lads spending 60% of their monthly wage on pay day wouldn’t be doing so if surrounded by legion of Grenades!

Table Whores

hot girls neon table whore london club promoter

In London girls have it pretty easy when it comes to clubbing. Every girl even some Grenades will have at least one promoter in her phone book that she’ll receive a weekly text from. Now usually the message will go something along the lines of;

“Hey, hows it going? I’m hosting at Rise in VIP this Saturday? It’s looking crazy you should me for drinks on my table? Let me know if you’re up for it x”. 

Now if you were planning a night out you may think great, the text might even tempt you into venturing into the West End. As a promoter I may be able to offer complimentary entry, an area in VIP for you to sit at once your feet have had enough of those 5 inch Loubs and even free drinks. Taking advantage of this is fine, I probably would if I were able to.

However hopping from table to table in chase of the next bottle will promptly have you removed from my phone book, at the very least un-ticked from my broadcast list come Monday.

Groupies / Male table whores

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I think there’s nothing worse than the male table whore! The male table whore just like the classic table whore befriends you to get as many drinks out of you as possible and have an in with the girls on your table.

In person there’s usually a thinly veiled attempt at winging you and an unjustified sense of camaraderie, calling you “bro” several times a minute. Usually just that just before the waitress brings over a bottle of Grey Goose to your table. You actually have to admire their sense of timing

On social media they’re the ones you don’t know really know and constantly quote your tweets with countless laughing emoji’s when really the tweet barely deserved a favourite.

Please Sir Can I Have Some More

oliver twist please sir can i can some more meme

Perhaps my personal biggest pet peeve has got to be the girls that hang an empty tumbler under your nose waiting for a refill. It’s just rude! Each time it happens my blood boils begins to boil, I get it you want a drink.

However there are other methods you could use to firstly get my attention and secondly ask for a drink. It’s the equivalent of the road-man that shout “Oi my size!” at you and begin to aggressively gesture at you for you to come over. You mock them and laugh at them with your friends or on twitter. You deserve the same treatment!

“Babe you said it was free!?!?”

chanel bag don't pay freebie club table whore

Yes it WAS free. Most clubs let X amount of ladies in free before 11 (grenades excluded) so turning up at 12 WILL result in you paying. Knowing full well that you’d being told you wouldn’t have to pay BEFORE 11 you turn up late. Why do it to yourself, if you’re going to complain about paying?

I understand that looking that good isn’t easy, it’s probably also quite expensive. However spending your entire budget for your night out on your outfit, pre-drinks and cabs isn’t a good look.

Surely there must be spare £20 note laying around in your Chanel handbag to see you over the threshold?  




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