5 things you should NOT say to your boss at the Christmas party
Every song that comes on is greeted by an overly enthusiastic scream and fist pump combo on your part. Its only on your 3rd trip to bathroom that you realise you’ve probably had a bit too much to drink. You remember the vow you made to yourself when you were still sober “stay well away from the boss”.
There are no positives that’ll come from even being in the vicinity of the person that signs of on your payslips. Chances are something will happen, something bad, something that you will regret, (regret even more so than when you agreed to go on a date with the douchebag from sales).
You commend yourself on having remembered to stay well away from the boss. This is obviously something that calls for a celebration.On exiting the bathroom from trip no.3 you make a bee line for the free bar, 4 sheets of toilet paper roll in tail. You order a gin & tonic, a man standing to your right at the bar says “make it two of those please”, that voice sounded very familiar. You slowly look to the right to see your boss…. well it would be rude not say hello wouldn’t it?
1. “I love you, always have, always will”
Yeah, yeah, yeah you stole this from Bridget Jones but who cares? It’s romantic to quote such a wonderful romcom as good old Bridge. Well, at least that’s what you follow your declaration up with. The problem is, your boss is married, he explains to you again just as he did at your last failed attempt to woo him at last years Christmas party.
****Please also note that serenading him with a medley of Celine’s greatest hits or breaking down to weep in his arms will not make you any more attractive.
2. “You my friend are what I would like to call a wanker”
Why oh why does alcohol make everyone so honest? Ok, so you’ll feel empowered and a strange sense of leadership as you speak on the behalf of those around you, until you realise they are no longer around you. Your fellow colleagues with whom you have discussed the varying degrees of twatishness your boss can deliver, have shrunk back into the shadows, not quite wasted enough to support you on this one. I suppose here, the point is really to wait until late on in the night when someone else will be intoxicated enough to insult the boss with you.
3. “Jenny and I shagged in that cupboard”
Boss: “I couldn’t find the file I needed the other day”. You: “ooops yeah! Probably because Jenny and I shagged in that cupboard…hahahahahaaa…that explains it right?! Oopsies!”
Multiple options for the response…
Boss: “You’re fired”
Boss: “Ooh Jenny’s hot! Where is she?”
Boss: Throws drink in your face.
Boss: “Oh that was why I found underwear in there…I’m wearing it now…shhh”
You get the idea, this cannot go well.
4. Puke in their face
So perhaps not something you shouldn’t say, this is more a failed attempt at talking. The same rules still apply – do not open your mouth!
The situation that you do not want to find yourself in usually goes along these lines. You are legging it to the toilet, holding your mouth with one hand, drink in the other (throwing up is a mere blip to clear the path for more drinks, and you wouldn’t want to waste a glass, get your priorities right) and on your tumultuous path stands your boss. You try to shoot past, holding up your glass as a disguise to shield your face, but alas still you are stopped for a chat. A discussion, a debate, a topic that will tie you in for a long, long time. As it’s your boss you feel constrained to stay and because you are hammered you will puke. It will not be pretty.
5. “I’ve always been intimidated by you, but now I just don’t know why, come dance to Britney with me!”
Inevitably, when the alcohol effects wear off, you will be intimidated again and probably more so after this embarrassing episode. When your boss simply glares back in response to this ridiculous request, do not attempt to get them on the dance floor through physical force. Grabbing their arms and wiggling them around whilst doing a crazy hyped up bouncy jog yourself will not convince them.
Whatever you do, do not walk away from them announcing, “well, it’s you who’s missing out, I do a damn good Britney”. You must avoid this at all costs, it would probably be an even better idea to take the stage by yourself and perform the full 3.37 second long routine to ‘I’m slave for you’, don’t ask me why I know.