9 Steps To Successfully Pulling On Tinder
How to compose a first message to anyone can be daunting. Especially if you’ve swiped left so many times you’re now considering paying for a dating app (oh the thought is mind boggling) and you’ve finally found a match, you don’t want to cock it up.
There are however those of us that swipe right continuously without even bothering for the picture to load, just to maximise chances. Nonetheless, when you’ve got a match with someone you actually like the look of, you don’t want it to all go tits up because you blew it with a shockingly boring initial message. So we move on to the How To Guide of tinder first messages.
1. How Are You? Does NOT Cut It
YAWN. Fall asleep. That is all.
2. Remember It’s Not A Prostitution App
I suppose some people use it for this, and these people need to cotton on that Tinder is free, other people make money out of those antics, get on board and charge. For the romantics out there, receiving a text that reads “well hung, interested?” will most likely lead to mass ridicule amongst the girl’s friendship group, especially if it’s a picture message.
3. Would You Rather?
This can be a very successful question, depending on the choices. Don’t go for the standard ketchup or brown sauce (see point 1). Also do not launch into disgusting territory: your mum and your girlfriend have switched minds and bodies, who would you rather shag? Your mum’s body with your girlfriend’s mind or your girlfriend’s body with your mum’s mind?
So yes we’re all thinking about it now, but it is not something to be brought up initially. Go for something random, something inventive, something that will seek deep into their soul to determine whether you will be in love forever… Ok maybe don’t try that hard.
5. Don’t Post A Photo With Your Rent Money
You are clearly a twat.
5. Be Brave
You know, think back to the school play when you really wanted to be Mary or Joseph. You had to stand out from the rest right? Channel those inner childhood dreams and stream that energy into a creative message. Suggest a date of frolicking in a bluebell forest hunting for pixies, or stowing away in a cargo ship to Africa.
Hey it’s fun so why not? Also, the paranoia of meeting someone on a first date that you’ve been messaging for a while and wondering whether you’ve exhausted all standard topics of conversation will be eliminated, you can have all those conversations again, this time with the truthful answers. Possibly won’t get a second date, or even make it to the end of the first one, but yolo and all that…
Just think of the possibilities, you can be a dolphin tamer, an astronaut in training, a button maker, someone who has to sit inside new fridges to check that the light really does turn off when the door is shut. If you’re reading this wondering what the point of lying is because you already have one of these occupations, you are an amazing person, well done on your achievements in life.
7. Who’s That In Your Picture?
You know that buzzer sound from Family Fortunes that means it’s wrong? Well that is probably ringing LOUD in your recipient’s head. If it’s their best friend, bad enough, if it’s their parent, even worse…
8. How Do You Feel About Open Relationships?
Oh dear no. You’re hot and now you reveal you’re in a relationship. Open relationship whatever, I don’t want to share. How disappointing.
9. If In Doubt, Crack Out One Of These Beauties…
If you had to live as a food forever and only eat yourself, continuously regenerating, what would you be? This requires careful thought, it is not only about taste preference but about physical enjoyment…An egg for example can roll around which is fun, but also be cooked in many ways. Insightful see.
What would be your dream super power? Here’s the best one – shapeshifter. It incorporates flying, invisibility (you can become the surroundings), speed, agility, strength etc etc. Not that I’ve thought long and hard about this or anything…
What Hogwarts house would you hope to be sorted into? Hopefully they don’t reply with Gryffindor, that’s way too mainstream.
Have you had any sickening messages? Or sent any? Do share in the comments below….