THIS IS AWKWARD, THEY ACTUALLY EXIST OUTSIDE OF FACEBOOK!?!
That person who invites you to play Candy Crush Saga on an almost weekly basis. The one who dominates your newsfeed with pictures of their baby that you just don’t care about and couldn’t give a f*ck about the fact that they ‘just came in the room wearing mummy’s shoes’. One of those people you went to swimming lessons with when you were 6 and really should delete them in a Facebook friend cull if it wasn’t for the scare of ending up with an embarrassing figure of only 296 friends.
They appear on the street heading towards you. AAAHH A SUPPOSED FRIEND!!! Your mind freaks out. It goes crazy, rifling through all of the different possible escape routes in 2 seconds; do I keep walking past eyes down? Cross the road? Dive into a shop? Press buttons on my phone? Look in my bag?
ACCIDENTAL EYE CONTACT JUST OCCURRED.
But your brain doesn’t give up, it churns out more options! Do I pretend I don’t know them? What could I be called? Crap I can think of no names. Esmerelda? Will that do?
Bollocks, they’re attempting actual conversation. Commence Esmerelda plan.
“Oh hey! Didn’t see you there! How are you? It’s been ages!”
You continue with stilted exchanges for a while until you’ve managed to catch up on the last twenty years of life in three minutes. During this time they’ll explain certain things you already knew because they don’t shut up about it on Facebook and you consider whether to mention you have this prior knowledge. You decide against it, thinking you’ll portray too much of a stalker vibe, and due to this decision you spend the rest of the time trying not to respond too emphatically to anything in case you let anything slip.
Conversation turns to what you’re up to, to which you respond with a hasty “oh just bits and bobs” to wrap things up pronto. As you make your excuses and leave, you wave goodbye with a cheery “nice to see you, and hope the little one doesn’t surprise you wearing mummy’s shoes again!”