Blame It On The Alcohol
Alcohol makes you slicker, smarter and stronger too, if not actually then mentally at least. With new found handsomeness, wit and charm under your belt, you feel like you can do no wrong.
You pour another Jack and Coke down the hatch and realise that your new found awesomeness is attracting a lot of attention. Of course to everyone else, you’re one more drink away from hugging a toilet, but in your head, you’re Robin Thicke in his very own music video.
Whether you know it at the time or not, you’re exhibiting UDB (Unfortunate Drunken Behaviour) and it looks a little bit like this:
1. You become uncomfortably honest. People who have been drinking often develop an uncontrollable need to be honest with everyone. Or maybe it’s just that the filter between your thought process and your mouth becomes so soaked in alcohol it becomes ineffective. Either way the reviews are in and everyone now thinks you’re a dick.
2. You say stupid things, but think they’re clever and/or enlightening. “We should invent a club which has a kebab station instead of a shot station!” No one replies. “Why didn’t I think about this before, I’m gonna be a millionaire man”.
3. You fall over (a lot). But it’s never your fault. The pavement was chipped, someone pushed you, you saw a really ugly girl and it threw you off balance…
4. You think you’re irresistible and you let everyone know it. Apparently when you’re drunk, winking at people becomes acceptable again and not in a “we just shared a private joke” way, but more in a “yes I see you lusting after me” kind of way. Often followed by a seductive eyebrow raise (as though the winking alone wasn’t enough) and a whispered “man that girl wants me” to your wing man.
5. You use some questionable chat up lines. In fact, would we consider “the drunker I get the hotter you look” a chat up line? Perhaps not.
6. You whip out your best dance moves yet. Everyone has stopped what they’re doing to look at you; in fact you’re pretty sure someone is even taking a video. You haven’t seen a reaction to a dance like this since Soulja Boy Superman-ed That Hoe.
7. You say the most hilarious things. Though no one else seems to be laughing at them except for you… maybe they just haven’t got it yet… give them a moment.
8. You insist on buying everyone a round of drinks. The only way this night could get any better is with more shots (and lots of them).
So what if you have no money. That’s what overdrafts are for right? Plus what better way to impress that hot girl who has obviously been lusting after you all night, than by buying her a drink. Maybe when you send it over, you’ll be super seductive and send over a wink with it too (since that worked so well with that other girl… such a shame she had to leave so suddenly or you would have been in there).
9. You eat everything. When you’re drunk, you could drop your pizza slice cheese side down on the pavement and you’d still eat it.
And if anyone sees, you buy their silence by offering them a bite.
10. You develop partial amnesia and proceed to deny all of the above. As for that picture of you, eating pepperoni off the floor, well I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for that.
Follow Miranda on Twitter @mirandalife