The Classy Girls Guide To Getting Revenge On Your Ex
If your boyfriend cheats on you with another woman, the best way to punish her, is by letting her keep the bastard. Getting your revenge on him is a little more intricate.
Let me start by saying that when it comes to revenge, in the case of any break up, what you should do and what you will do are two different things. In a healthy and logical world I would advise you eat some chocolate chip ice cream, bitch to your friends and hope to hell he doesn’t meet someone else before you do.
In a world where wanting to make your ex regret his own existence is the acceptable thing to do, I can only give advice to keep the revenge plans as classy and effective as possible.
1. Stop Texting Him: Don’t text him to tell him you love him, don’t text him to tell him you hate him and definitely don’t respond to anything he has to say. Better yet avoid temptation and delete his number altogether (especially since your wine consumption is about to skyrocket) and that includes old text messages as well.
Many girl thinks if their ex texts and they don’t reply they’ll seem ‘bitter’ but what we’re actually going for is the slightly more sexy ‘nonchalant’. First of all if you keep texting him, he’ll realise that you’re not over him and will automatically make you his back-up plan, which he can crawl back to if he can’t find anyone else to sleep with. Plus if you don’t reply he’ll be left wondering what you’re doing that is better than responding to his messages; let him think you’re out meeting someone far cuter and capable of commitment, as opposed to sitting at home, watching TV and waiting for him to text you back.
2. Avoid Setting His Lawn On Fire: or spray-painting his car, or slashing his tyres. One girl I knew once broke into her ex’s house and painted his bedroom walls with marmite. Don’t do that either. The more insane you act, the more likely he is to think he had a lucky escape. What you want him to think is “did I make a mistake?” not “Fuck me, why didn’t I realise sooner that she was bat-shit crazy”.
3. Become really, really hot: if ever there was a time for a makeover, it’s now. Change your hair, go on a diet and actually start wearing make-up out in public. Eventually he’s going to bump into you and when he does you want him to meet a slightly better version of your normal self. Nothing bothers a guy more than thinking you’ve moved on from them without so much as a look back and nothing says “I’ve moved on” like looking five times better without him than you ever did with him.
4. Go Out, Have Fun: why not even put a couple of pictures on Facebook the next day, after all you know he’s probably still e-stalking you (hopefully to see what you’re so busy doing that has prevented you from responding to his last text).
Sitting at home and being sad is acceptable for the first few days after your break up. Every girl needs to grieve the loss of a guy, even if he was a bit of a twat. Sure watch Bridget Jones, cry a bit if you feel that way inclined then put your own big girl pants on and head back out into the world.
It doesn’t matter if he broke up with you; no one wants to see their ex-girlfriend out having a great time. Men want to be allowed to assume that you are at home, wondering if your life is still worth living without him. In case you’re unsure, it is and he should know it.
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5. Sit Back & Wait. You see, most men break up with women thinking they can do better. I personally believe the problem stems from having managed to attain an attractive and intelligent girlfriend in the first place. They begin to develop an inflated sense of ego and start rationalising that in order to get a girl like you they must be a bit of a catch… such a catch in fact that they could probably trade you in for a slightly better version.
There are thousands of hot girls out there and if they managed to get you why wouldn’t they be able to get another possibly less moaney and more frisky girlfriend. It never (ever) occurs to them that they might have just got lucky the first time.
It’s not until they’re back out there that they realise that they gave up a catch and can’t seem to reel another one in. That’s when the regret sinks in and you didn’t even have to do anything.
Don’t get me wrong if your ex-boyfriend is Ryan Reynolds then you can pretty much ignore the entire of point number 5. If he’s not then sit back and wait. And if he does come crawling back, girl just remember, getting back with an ex is like taking a shower and then putting on yesterday’s underwear.