Which dance floor diva are you? - Xclusive Touch

Which dance floor diva are you?

Author: Hannah Bertram 

Which dance floor diva are you?

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Everyone has a different approach when it comes to hitting the club dance floor, quite possibly dependant on the percentage of alcohol one’s blood is made up of in that moment.  I’m sure we’ve all given a sly nod to direct a friend’s at a fellow clubber shaking out some particularly interesting moves or locked eyes across the floor in that contractual stare, challenging your opponent to bop through the crowds toward you.  But do you know what the shapes you’re throwing say to those around you?  Which of the following do you identify with most?

The Corner Bopper

This shy creature can be found hidden in corners or lurking in the depths of the shadows, hoping to go unnoticed.  With a drink in one hand they tend to opt for the minimal head nod as a signature move.  It must be noted that corner boppers can often transition to dance floor dominator (see below) later on in the night, generally determined by the nature of their diet, research has shown there to be a direct positive correlation between alcohol consumption and stages of transformation.

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The Dance Floor Dominator

This wild species enjoys tearing up the dance floor, figuratively and often literally.  The dominator can be easily spotted by its flailing limbs thrashing around with seemingly no awareness for those in the surrounding area.  If you are brave enough to approach, be warned, you must have your wits about you and be ready to duck and leap out of the way at any given moment, failure to do so may result in injury.  If this occurs, pain can be reduced through the intake of alcohol.

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The Groper

This sneaky clubber uses dancing only as a mask to carry out the real task at hand.  The groper moves swiftly through the masses slyly pinching bums and moving on before being identified.  Beware this clubber with their innocent raving moves, pumping arms in the air to blend in, just watch out for the hands lowering, they are destined for a bottom in close proximity…  The groper can be known to change strategy and approach another dancer from behind, grabbing the chosen unsuspecting prey by the hips and pulling them into the groin in a mating ritual only acceptable in a club setting; and even then it is not always acceptable – the groper must select prey wisely so as to avoid a slap.  Recognising suitable dancers is knowledge that comes with time and experience on the groping scene.

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The Pouter

This type of clubber cannot really be classed as a dancer, as they prefer to stand and focus their attention on assessing the crowd.  The occasional knee bend occurs but the worry that hair will be ruined if engaging in too much activity restricts anything further.  The only muscle guaranteed to be used is that of the lips which form a constant pout; this has tactical intent, a weapon ready to be employed if, while scouting the crowd for potential partners, a mate is located and returns the look.


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The Yo-yo

This person constantly falls victim to a beer sodden floor, high heels, or their own clumsiness which is enhanced by an abundance of alcoholic beverages.  This poor soul slips and slides every five minutes, crashing to the floor then being helped up by their friends only to fall again.  Up, down, up, down, up, down… It can be a clever way to meet others, particularly if the yo-yo is of the female variety as males like to display their macho qualities by lifting the yo-yo back to standing.  The more evolved yo-yos have perfected the art of saving their drink whilst on the way down; they are so experienced at being a yo-yo that they recognise the beginning of the downwards action, almost feeling in slow motion for them, and hand their drink up to a friend as they plummet towards the ground.  This proves to be very impressive to observe.

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The Breezy 

Often mistaken for a pouter due to the almost stationary habits of the breezy, this person stands swaying as if in a breeze.  The main difference between this and the outer is that of facial expression – while the engagement of facial muscles is a key attribute for the pouter, the breezy appears incapable of doing this, sporting a rather gormless look instead.  The breezy is usually found toward the latter end of the night as it is created solely through the excessive intake of alcohol causing a lack of bodily function.  The breezy is closely related to the yo-yo and occasionally displays yo-yo qualities; they may also give up entirely on the notion of standing and instead find a place to sleep until located by a friend.

So there we go, which dance floor diva are you?  If you can’t recognise yourself, your friends definitely will… 




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