The Different Types of ‘Table Whores’ You'll Find In A West End Nightclub
Ah the West End! The bright lights of central London bring a host of attractions, appealing to entrepreneurs, big spenders and celebrants alike. But recently, a new creature has emerged from the shadows of London’s finest clubs. An unnerving and unrelenting animal with a persistence unknown to this fine City.
Commonly known as the ‘table-whore’, this being will gladly suck you of all your alcohol and not bat an eyelid! The table whore does not discriminate, meaning that guests, VIPs and promoters alike are all in danger anytime bottles emerge on their table. Fortunately for all of you, Robbie Rockstar is here to guide you through the different types of ‘table whores’ and help you to enjoy your VIP benefits in peace.
The Fake Flirt – Robbie’s Danger rating: 3/5
Often found in the VIP area’s the fake flirt specializes in honing in on celebrities or large spenders. Compliments are the fake flirts weapon of choice, often used in conjunction with lots of touching and feeling. The ideal defence against the ‘Table Whore’ is to immediately declare your interest in their best friend ☺
The BB neck – Robbie’s Danger rating: 2/5
The BB neck often operates around the lower spending tables preferring to find a victim and stick with their prey. They will patiently wait for the drinks to arrive on your table entertaining themselves by browsing their blackberry – despite the fact that the club clearly has no reception. Your ideal defence against these is a polite tap on the shoulder and the announcement that your friend needs to sit down. Without a table the bb neck is far less effective.
The Boomerang – Robbie’s Danger rating: 4.5/5
The boomerang is by far the most evolved form of table whore, armed with the ability to predict when your bottle is about to be brought over. This being has an un-canny knack of turning up just at the right time. In most instances the boomerang won’t even appear to be a table whore simply staying for a brief chat before leaving but BEWARE!! – the moment your sparkler is lit the ‘Boomerang’ will be hovering over your shoulder. Defence can be tricky against the boomerang – your only chance may be to cancel the sparkler as this is often the sign that alcohol is about to flow to a boomerang.
The Kangaroo – Robbie’s Danger rating: 1/5
Despite trying, the Kangaroo is by far the most primitive form of table whore. Hopping from table to table eager to feed of scraps the Kangaroo survives on the drinks nobody wants rather than the main bottle. To stay drunk the Kangaroo is happy to drink anything going and aren’t too demanding given that your table is one of many potential ‘free bars’ in their eyes. As this is the easies table whore to spot no real defence is necessary, the kangaroo is only half table whore and half alcohol disposal unit often providing a viable alternative to the dustbin.
Oliver Twist – Robbie’s Danger rating: 4/5
“Please Sir, may I have some more”.
This nemesis is closely related to the boomerang but likes to use its long limbs to hold out their cup when the drinks are being poured. During the confusion, Oliver Twist will often take full advantage by receiving a glass or a re-fill against the table bookers will. Once finished, do not be surprised if Oliver Twist asks for more even though their glass is half full as it is. To combat Oliver Twist, I advise all table bookers pour their own drinks and hand them out, thus negating the long limbs of Oliver Twist.
The ‘Promoter’ – Robbie’s Danger rating: 5/5
By far the most dangerous form of Table Whore’ you can find in the West End, the ‘promoter’ uses their gender to absolute advantage. Masquerading as a big time promoter they will often come in male form and be found lingering around the VIP area’s. Despite never running an event the ‘Promoter’ will gladly guzzle your drink and not bat an eyelid at doing so. When asked what nights the promoter works, he will often quote a long list of clubs with which he has no affiliation or link. The only way to combat the ‘Promoter’ is to mention a bigger and more established promoter and hope to scare them away.
And there you have it. Your perfect guide to the species known as ‘Table Whores’. Next time you find yourself on a VIP table remember my tips and defend your alcohol with pride! Be sure to tweet me @xclusivetouch should you encounter any of the above or event discover new breeds!