Dirty Little Secrets All Women Keep
Every woman keeps secrets, because frankly, there us some things you just don’t need to know. Try not to think of it as lying, but instead as “trying to keep the romance alive” because trust me on this, some of these will make your penis die a little inside.
1. We sometimes get drunk with our friends and google your ex.
If it makes you feel better, it’s for no other purpose than to check she’s uglier than us. It doesn’t matter if she’s a Victoria Secret model, we will scroll through 500 Facebook photos just to find one ugly one. Then as always, we turn to our friends and say “she’s ugly right?” and our friends are like “dude what was he thinking” and we have a good old laugh, ignoring the other 499 pictures where she looked like a younger Kelly Brooks.
2. How much we spend
Put it this way, everything we buy, costs at least 30% more than we said it did. Sometimes we even hide shoes in the car until the coast is clear and we can sneak them into the house without you seeing. Then we try and pull the “What these old things? I’ve had them for years!” line on you.
3. The cute pyjamas we wear… are not really the cute pyjamas we wear.
You know the cute knickers and cropped t-shirt combo we wear to bed? We don’t really wear that to bed. We just pretend we do, then when you leave we jump into our oversized onesie, smear on the spot cream and pop the old retainer in.
That is the real reason girls don’t send you a picture late at night when you ask. It’s not because she doesn’t want to. It’s because she’s taken off her make-up and now looks like a much, much uglier version of the girl you dropped off home 20 minutes ago.
4. We secretly hate compromise
According to women, relationships are all about compromise… but then when do women ever say what they really mean? When we say we believe in compromise, we mean: “why can’t you just for once, do things our way!”
When a woman compromises with you, it is for one of two reasons. Number one, she realises she is about to lose the argument and this is a last resort, or number two: she wants to be able to hold this compromise against you, next time she wants to do something you won’t like.
You may think she’s giving in, but I promise you in two weeks it will be a case of “tough if you think this dress is too short, last week I missed the X Factor results for you!”
5. Our best friend knows everything about you
Even the stuff we swore we wouldn’t tell her. Because when we say we won’t tell anyone, what we mean is… we won’t tell anyone else. If it is of any comfort to you, before we divulge any information we start our gossip sessions with “okay don’t tell anyone but…”
So, I wouldn’t worry about it, your secrets are safe with me and usually her too.
6. We’re not as cool as we play it
At the start of a relationship women are all like “sure call me later, or don’t… whatever”. What they mean is “either way I’ll be sitting by my phone… waiting”. But acceptable social norms tell us to play down how interested we are in you.
That’s why when you first start dating a women she’s probably always with her friends. She isn’t a social butterfly; they’re coaching her in how to keep her crazy hidden from you for a couple months longer.
7. What we really look like
(without the fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake tan, drawn on eyebrows, hair extensions, waxed eyebrows and stomach holdey in pants).
A ‘beauty’ and a ‘natural beauty’ are two different things. It turns out, that with enough products and the right instagram filter any girl can look like she belongs on Towie. That being said, until you see a girl without makeup, you can never really be sure what her face looks like.
8. We love being slobs too
The girl who you take on a date on Saturday night and the girl who spends the whole of Sunday watching TV, with un-brushed hair, in her “I love my cat” jumper are two very different people.
Despite what we tell you, not every day is a shower day and the same clothes can be worn two days in a row.
9. We hate it when you go to clubs
There are way too many pretty girls in tight dresses for our liking. We try so hard to act cool about it, not because of all that compromise bullshit we mentioned earlier, but because when it’s our turn to go out next week, we don’t want you, to think you have a right to complain about it.
10. You aren’t “sooo much better” than our ex’s like we say you are
Yes, we lie to you about this one too and in fact the only reason we deleted him of Facebook is so you don’t see how much better looking than you he is. You’re welcome.