Why Are you Even Here!? The 8 Annoying People We Hate at Festivals
Okay, it’s well and truly festival season. Glasto’ has been and gone, Primark is fully stocked with rain macs and rubber shoes and everywhere you look are those annoying floral headbands that are ONLY acceptable for 3 months out of the entire year (unless you’re part of an amateur dramatics rendition of the musical ‘HAIR’).
Those who attend will be fully familiar with the people you’ll come across when venturing into the world of fast-food, music, and tent villages that is a music festival…
1. The ‘I don’t give a f**k’ festival-goer
This person barely prepares and just about knows how to pitch a tent, but who cares because getting drenched, wasted, lost, and making a fool of yourself is all part of the experience… maturity is for wimps.
2. The Festival Novice
Everyone has to start somewhere but sadly it can be blatantly obvious if it’s your first time. Novices pack unnecessary items, are wide-eyed (not pill-induced), open-mouthed, and just a little terrified looking. They don’t take into account the lack of facilities and can be found scrounging for wet-wipes, bin bags, toilet paper, and the occasional tampon.
The first-time festival goer will probably look like crazy frog for the first 2 days and spend the remainder of their time craving Lucozade and wishing they were dead…or at least at home in bed. But not to worry because they’ll soon build up that tolerance that veterans all know and appreciate.
3. The ‘Only at Festivals’ Druggy
Look, we’re all adults here; your choice of recreational drugs is down to you (unless you’re under 18 then drugs are bad…very bad).
To those who dare, drugs CAN BE fun. No one understands this emphasis more than festival druggies, who suddenly know everything about MDMA and pills even though they never touch the stuff other 11 months out of the year. Something about music, mud, and sleeping in tents makes drugs seem more acceptable but they can have a Jekyll and Hyde effect so approach with caution…
4. The Selfie Royalty
You’re so vain, you probably think this paragraph’s about you…
Yes, that’s right selfie whores, take note. We are on to you! Spot selfie royalty by checking out the photos they’ve taken. You won’t see many landscape or abstract shots…just a whole load of face. Selfie royals tend to go to festivals because they know they look good in hippy headbands, bikini tops, and wellies…oh and maybe they’re a fan of like…one band?
5. The ‘I Don’t Camp’ Person
Festivals are an amazing way to listen to music and chill out with a few drinks in between sets. They’re also an amazing way to get filthy dirty without even trying. If you’re wondering how your mate from ‘Tinie Tempah’ looks so fresh every morning, they’ve probably been at the nearest Premier Inn.
Apparently forcing sleep whilst your neighbour parties, trudging through ankle deep sewage to use the toilet, and not washing your intimate areas ‘properly’ for 5 days just doesn’t appeal to everyone…
6. The One Who Only Talks About ‘Last Year’
Yes, we get it; you went last year! Stop talking about the staging, tent areas, and food trucks from the year before and make new memories from what you have NOW.
7. The Couple Who Use Each Other As Booster Seats
Oh god, these people! The bane of every short, single person’s life. When you watch festival highlights on TV, you’ll see these people. Typically it’ll be a cute girl sitting atop her boyfriend’s shoulders, waving at the cameras – and we can’t help but all unite as we think ‘please fall off’.
Check out this dedicated guy:
8. The ‘Phone Screen Cinema’ Douche
They’ve typically paid over £100 for a ticket and yet they decide to watch an entire set via their phone screen. Youtube is there for the people who WEREN’T ABLE TO ATTEND, so put down your phone after you’ve video’d your favourite song and watch the rest in the highest definition possible…