Groupie Spotting : the 5 types of Groupies
Groupies: we understand the term on a very base level, but what’s really hidden by the smoky eyes and mirrors? If ever we need to source information on such a topic there really is only one place that we can turn; Urban Dictionary. The internet’s favourite stronghold of all things trivial defines a “Groupie” as:
“A young woman, often under age, who seeks to achieve status by having sex with rock musicians, roadies, security, and other band-related guys”
With this information we can now dive straight in to locating where you can find these types on any given night out. From girls who sneak backstage to those who lurk around hired tables hoping to get a sniff of the high life, this is your guide to locating these elusive females.
The Hip Groupie – Most commonly found on the streets of Shoreditch
Having a cool tin for those rolled up cigarettes won’t do your chances any harm either.
The Directioners/ The Beliebers – Most commonly found in One Direction/Justin Bieber concerts or any Walkabout bar you might have wandered into
Do not say anything bad about anything that Harry Styles did last year or that Justin Bieber may or may not have the eyelashes of a very fancy lady. Do not say that their music is dreadful or that they’re pretty daft people. It’s not worth it and you will be torn apart at the seams by a band of ravenous, terrifying girls. Fortunately, they’re mostly too young to actually get into any sort of real clubs or venues. Still, you can spot them if you really try.
The standard Directioner/Belieber will be at the DJ booth requesting that song you prayed wouldn’t come while you’re out with your friends. They’ll be shouting at the top of their lungs that they really don’t care that it’s the DJ’s song choice, all they want to hear are songs about why they’re beautiful or tracks with the lyrical depth of “Baby/Baby/Baby/Oh”. Deep stuff, it brings a tear to the eye.
The Table Whore – Most commonly found 2-3 metres from a VIP table.
These are the kind of girls that would consider this an appropriate chat up line. These groupies get dolled up in their finest garms and dance the night away, progressively edging into the VIP sections that have been reserved by people that paid to be seen there. Upon these holy tables, the lurkers know that they will find bottles of the finest spirits that clubs can offer or, if they’ve really picked the right place, Champagne. Maybe, Patron.
It’s a peculiar phenomenon because you can see it in their eyes that there’s something, something they want to tell you as they dance ever closer gyrating in your direction on the dance floor. You’ll know them when you see them. Beware.
The Metal Head – Most commonly found in dark pubs with pool tables
Similarly to the Hip girls, unless you tick an extensive list of things, you haven’t got even a remote chance with these girls. Metal girls are looking for a guy that has longer (and sometimes nicer) hair than they do, has a body that is roughly 98% covered in tattoos of skulls with flaming daggers in them and several piercings through several orifices. They listen to Slayerand Metallica but still have a soft spot for that fourteen year old kid inside that yearns for Blink-182 to reform and play “What’s My Age Again” on repeat.
These are some scary girls to talk to because they can give out a tongue lashing. Just don’t cry when they put you down and all the scary metal dudes are laughing, that’ll just exacerbate the situation, surprisingly.