A Guide To Successful Facebook Stalking
Stalking is what Facebook was made for. Anyone who says it’s for keeping in touch with old friends is either lying or not using it properly. Just be careful with your secret activities, think of it like masturbation: everyone knows that everyone does it, but no-one wants to get caught in the act.
Beware of the accidental Like! This is particularly common on a small phone screen where your finger takes up so much space to scroll up and down it will probably hit Like in the process; it’s so ridiculously easy you may not realise you’ve done it.
This is extra important if you’re stalking a friend of an ex and EVEN WORSE if it’s your ex’s new beau, then the accidental Like is a real blood-rising-up-the-face moment. The key here is to refrain from stalking until you’re at a laptop.
Make sure you type your ex’s name into the SEARCH box, not the STATUS box! Perhaps the biggest rookie error possible on Facebook. This has the potential to bring detrimental consequences, especially if Facebook helpfully tags them too.
Don’t check out your boss on LinkedIn, as this website tells you who has been viewing your profile. It is completely stalker unfriendly and clearly hasn’t grasped the true concept of social media.
Commenting on old pictures is just weird. This is a sign of a crap stalker who craves attention, they should get LinkedIn.
Be careful with all private Facebook activities, if you send a dirty picture, check check CHECK it’s being sent as a message and not being posted on their wall. The last thing you want is a message from your girlfriend’s mum snootily enquiring as to why you thought taking taking a photo of your erect penis was appropriate. If this happens resist the urge to respond explaining that the other options would very much involve her daughter.