The Indirect Nude Selfie: A Photo Captioned New Hair, That Features 80% Boob

The Indirect Nude Selfie: A Photo Captioned New Hair, That Features 80% Boob

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frosted-tips2

The Indirect Nude Selfie: A Photo Captioned New Hair, That Features 80% Boob

Instagram has become a great frenzy of people desperate to show off their new accessories, their new gadgets, and their amazingly well kept rooms. But we tend to find that some people, like showing a bit more than others, in order to get a reaction and have their ego’s fed.

This is a shout out to all you indirect-nude selfie takers. We’re onto you!

Why are you taking a picture of your new french manicure that is coincidentally rested on your double-D looking cleavage? Anyway, we know you’re actually a C-cup wearing B-cups, you’re not fooling anybody.

Lets explore this not-so-cunning movement and see just how many half-baked excuses people can find to post half nudes of themselves…

Look How Clean My Room Is

You’re standing in the middle of your room like:kim, kim kardashian, the kardashian, selfie, mirror selfie, selfies

And then when someone says something, you react back with:
did i do that playing dumb

Oooo we would love to see how clean your room is, but could you do us a favour? Could you remove your torso that covers 97% of the picture?

All we see is the end corner of your duvet; how are we supposed to know the standards of your well-kept room if we can’t see the room? Seriously! My mother really wants me to get this whole ‘cleaning-my-room’ business down and you’re not helping.

“Chilling At The Beach”

What you think you look like:
Jordan Katie Price Pose Beach

What you actually look like:
Awkward beach poses gif

This doesn’t only go for the ladies, I know you men out there with your newly found pelvic lines are guilty of such crimes also. Yes, you’re at a beach, yes we are jealous, but NO we don’t want to see your nasty looking sun-burn that you forgot was there.

“Bought New Kicks”shoes nike selfie trainers

Now this doesn’t necessarily have to be about your new shoes. We know people treat themselves to fancy things, that they would then like to show off. But wouldn’t it make sense if you just took a picture of your fancy shoes rather than putting another subject in the photo that would distract us from your new shoes?

I mean seriously, the detail stitching of your shoes could make that guy you hate in your class envious of you, but instead, you decided to put your pre-teen looking body in the picture. Such a shame.

“Day two of work-out”

Day 1 at gym:
james-franco-naked-selfie

Day 2 at gym:
James Franco Gym Selfie Lol Topless

Well done, fitness is great, you’re finally motivated to better yourself physically and lead a more healthy lifestyle. However, there is no need for you to upload a topless picture of yourself EVERYDAY!!!!

Your picture literally looks the same as yesterday, the only difference is you seem to have become thirstier. Someone comments on how good your body is looking and all hell breaks loose with your abs photos.

“Loving My Frosted Tips”
instagram selfie frosted tips hair

Ladies, ladies, ladies, enough is enough. We know some of y’all have a strict beauty regime where you have been able to make yourself more beautiful-(ish) with all these alterations; but seriously, do your pepperoni areolas have to have a feature so heavily in every God damn picture.

I mean, yes, you may have a few likes and positive comments, but the more we stare, the more we worry.

“Lets donate guys”
Sock on penis naked men

Remember ‘cock in a sock’? Okay, knowing that it was to create awareness for testicular cancer, made the pictures that were uploaded bearable.

But because it trended, it simply just turned into something that was just a trend, a hashtag. Guys were quick to upload naked pictures of themselves with only a sock to cover the phallus, in hopes that the girl they liked would see their “well-toned” abs and their well stuffed sock. Its an awareness for charity, not an awareness for your basic self, keep it right please.

“I’m bored”
bored selfie instagram boring tired

The ‘I’m bored’ selfie is by far one of the favourites. Its depicts how the lack of fun leisure’s has increased the population’s dehydrated pre-teens.

It makes sense to strip down when you’re bored, because clearly wearing your Thursday night tooth-floss underwear takes away all first-world problems. *Purchases Water*

“With The Bestie”
Kim Kardashian Butt Selfie Phone Instagram

The great thing about Instagram is the way it brings people together, where you can update your friends/followers about your life in a simple jpeg. But you know what’s better? Showing your friends/followers of how cute you and your bestie both look in your new gym outfit.

So cool guys, so cool.

“At The Hospital”
Justin Beiber hospital instagram

People tend to like updating their followers of their whereabouts, whether if you’re at Starbucks, home, prison or even the hospital, but either way the thirst never ends.

I mean, why tell people where you are with clothes on, when you can do it with your clothes off whilst showing off your child-like body. Tell the whole world, let them know how bad you want them likes and show them what your mama made.

“Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe”
selfie don't kill my vibe

This is for those who upload pictures with mediocre fonts plastered across their pictures to somehow motivate others to be themselves. Its great that you’re trying to encourage others, it is, but there is no need for you to post nude pictures where your attempt to show off is shown clearly through your constipate tensing. Thanks, but no thanks.

It’s great that you have all these new things that you want to show the world, it truly is. But does the naked body the good Lord gave you HAVE to be in it?

I’m not here to judge, snap away till the end of life, but don’t let the likes and comments be some form of approval of your lifestyle or beauty. If Beyoncé can look as good covered, as she when she isn’t, then I’m sure you can too.

Comments

comments

1 comment

  1. Pittsburgh Penguins Hockey Jersey - November 19, 2014 10:04 pm

    Thank you for everything, you really changed my life. Tom F.

    Reply

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