The Lies all women tell whilst sexting
It starts with a casual “what are you wearing?” you look down at your 4 year old plaid pyjamas with a hole behind the right knee and a nail varnish stain on the inner thigh and all common sense tells you to lie. “Black French knickers” and hit send. And so it begins.
Then two things happen: you double check you didn’t accidentally send that to your mum, who is also texting you and you begin an inward chant of ‘please oh please don’t let him ask for a picture’ because changing clothes and shaving your legs seems like a lot of effort to make to keep up the lie.
“Send me a pic” fuck “Haha no I’m shy”. Good one, now he thinks you’re sexy and sweet. Plus if he insists, you can always just send him that underwear pic you took for the last guy. He probably won’t even notice that your hair is a slightly different colour and 4 inches shorter.
“What would you do if I was there?” This is definite pre-boyfriend material. If he’s been with you long enough, he would know the real answer to that question is “force you to watch The Princess Diaries with me”.
Of course what you really say is: “I’d be letting you do all kinds of naughty things to me”. Followed by a quick conference call to the ‘best friend’ to ask if that was sexy enough “he hasn’t replied in like 5 minutes, do you think I shouldn’t have said that?!”
Oh he’s replied again, “I wish I was on top of you…” well obviously, “…I’d be kissing you all over”. Haven’t heard that one before. “Are you touching yourself?” As if! “Of course baby” I hope this doesn’t count as our sixth date.
Women’s sex text lies aren’t a cover up of their low libido. It’s just that they can’t say exactly what they want, whilst dating someone whose phone has print screen functionality. Ahh, how we miss the Nokia 3210 days.
Aside from the fact you can’t be sure that he isn’t sitting in the pub reading your messages with all of his friends, he might also be planning on uploading this whole conversation onto Facebook. It would definitely serve to explain why, despite several hints, he still has not accepted your friend request.
On the plus side, faking it via text is so much easier than faking it in real life. No ooohs and ahhhs necessary, just pretend to find everything he says super sexy thank the Gods of sex that he’s better at doing than he is at talking.
“I’m close” yeah well I’m close to ordering a second pizza “me too”.