Money Alcohol and Romance – The Life lessons we should of learnt at school
Ahhh school days, the time in your life when things were all so simple. That is of course until puberty kicked in and before you knew it you were in the daily slog of a 9-5, the stresses of work had taken over and you only had the weekend to look forward to.
There were many lessons to be learnt in the classroom at school, algebraic equations, the names of Henry VIII’s wives and of course photosynthesis. It’s only with adulthood that you realise that a class called “Life Lessons” would have made for a great addition to the curriculum at school.
Yes school may have prepared you for getting into uni or getting a job, maybe even how to make bread in food tech but like most I definitely missed out on the cold and often cruel lessons the adult world would teach us and as a result I’ve often ended up flat on my ass.
The following 3 points should have ALL been included in the school curriculum if only to stop us getting in a few sticky situations and making complete and utter twats of ourselves later on in life…
Pacing yourself on a night out
Picture the scene:
You head to a bar with a few mates before a night out proceed to knock back a couple of beers. Things are going great at this point, you decide to move on to rum and cokes when you get to the club…the beer was just slowing you down.
It’s around 11pm that you move onto the shots, it starts with Jagerbombs, you’ll soon be on to Tequilas and Sambucas (you don’t even like Sambucas).
All your mates are really going for it, not wanting to be branded the lightweight of the group it occurs to you to take it easy on the hard spirits and go for something a bit softer
“Ameretto Coke please”
It’s not long before your asking yourself how many drinks you’ve had and proudly telling anyone that’ll listen how you just downed 3 shots in a row and your actually not that pissed
You lift your head slowly, eyes still groggy as you try to make sense of your surroundings. Dim and hazy recollections of the previous night, paranoia and sickness begins to wash over you, all these terrible thoughts begin to stick in your head: “Where the hell am I? How long was I passed out?” There’s a pang in your stomach at the grim flashback of some gigantic, pit-bull doorman yelling and spitting obscenities at you, disapproving looks from girls and passers-by.
“These aren’t my jeans… where the hell are my boxers? What the fuck am I doing lying on a park bench in East Finchley? I was out in Camden… Did I get into a fight last night?”
As you trudge home filled with shame it haunts you that the answers to these questions, you will never know…
What they should have taught us
It takes up to one hour for the liver to process one alcoholic drink, that means if you drink more than your liver can handle in an hour then chances are you’ll wind up getting drunk quicker.
Desired effect for some but if you’re looking to leave the club with your dignity still intact then it’d be best to take a break and drink water in between drinks. Don’t want to look like a wuss and get teased for being a lightweight?
Order a short glass of Coke or Lemonade that you can pass as a mixer until you’re ready for that next drink and also, sometimes it’s a good idea to sit a couple of rounds out when your mates are hammering the shots, you can always laugh at their drunken stupidity later…
You were never taught how to talk to women
Now, for this one I don’t mean talking to women in general, let’s be clear on this because I like to think that I know how to talk to women in everyday conversation –or at least know of them as a species.
My point here is how to come across as suave and charming to women when you’re looking to pull, to have a fluid and meaningful conversation where you say all the right things and avoid those awkward moments where you hit a roadblock and begin stuttering and stammering like some kind of moron when thinking of something sharp and witty to say so as not to appear like, well, a moron.
Exchanges like the following:
Guy: “So, what’re you doing down here in London?”
Guy: “Cool… what’re you studying exactly?”
Girl: “English literature.”
Guy: “Hey, that’s great! Books and things, reading’s like… so important! And English… yeah, we all speak that.”
(Awkward pause, the girl swirls her drink and shuffles her feet.)
Girl: “So… how old are you?”
Guy: “What do you mean? Old enough… I mean I’m uh… 21, yes. I am 21-years of age.”
Girl: “Yeah? I would’ve said you were a little older. I love older guys…
Guy: “Yeah, people say that a lot, think it has something to do with all these wrinkles on my forehead.”
(Guy leans in toward girl and gestures aggressively to his forehead.)
Guy: “Did you see? Look how many wrinkles I’ve got on my forehead, weird, uh? Yeah, people say I look like an old man…”
(More uncomfortable and intolerable silence, the girl sips her drink and stares fixedly at the floor.)
Guy: “I’m gonna go to… the, uh… to the bar…”
What they should have taught us:
Relax! Women just want you to be yourself, most women are pretty grounded and are just looking for someone who’s comfortable in their own skin, friendly, fun and most importantly able to look them in the eye, they are NOT looking for some Ryan Gosling ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’ chat-up artist (although I suspect most would not object).
If that doesn’t work you can always try the proven method of getting up in her personal space and staring at her unblinkingly without breathing a single word and with a murderous grin spread across your face… women do love the strong, silent type.
How to manage money
Many of you will have gotten your first jobs and may still be living with mum and dad, that’s fine, others may have tried taking that step towards independence like I did and moved out the minute they started earning a wage, now, you will be learning to budget for the first time in your life, previously there had always been a trained adult around to do that shit for you and stop your ass from ending up in the poor house or turning tricks out on the street.
You may find yourself caught in a dilemma toward the end of the month; this is usually because of the extravagant lifestyle you led on and around payday.
For those of you recently freed from the confines of your parent’s home you may often find yourself in similar scenario:
You know you have £80 left in your account after rent this week but you still have to pay your phone bill and buy food so as not to starve and die from boredom from not being able to tweet, what’s app and send sexties – or whatever it is you kids do these days.
You’ll be fine; plenty to last until payday next comes around. Then you notice a sleek new pair of trainers in a shop window.
“£60? Well, I’ve got £80 in my account… shit, I can afford those shoes! £80 is like… a lot more than £60! Hell, I’ll even have change for a kebab on the way home…”
Two days later the cupboards are bare and you haven’t eaten a square meal, living of the remnants of that darned kebab, you’ve worn out the soles on those sleek new trainers walking 10 miles each day to and from work and then… then phone bill arrives. Unable to bare the shame and humiliation that comes with calling mum and dad admitting that you’ve failed as a human being and begging for a hand out, you turn to the last ray of hope and salvation: the dreaded Wonga loan. It’s as if those fuckers in school were in cahoots with the payday loan companies all along.
What they should have taught us
DON’T SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY! Incompetent jackasses, maybe you should have paid attention in math class…