How To Piss Off A DJ
We can’t help ourselves. We pay twenty quid to get into a club and we think along with entry we should get a free drink and full reign over song selections and usually it only takes two drinks for us to build up the courage to march straight into the DJ box and pretty much say so.
We have to give it to them, alongside entertaining a room full of people; DJs have to put up with some annoying shit. Because whether we like to admit it or not, at some point we’ve all gotten stupid on Vodka and said one or more of the following:
“Can I hang out in here, the dance floor sooo really busy” / “Can I sit in here a minute? My feet hurt”.
The answer is no, this space is not for rent as your personal dance floor. If you don’t like big crowds you should have splurged for a table. As for your feet, go rest them like every other drunken girl in the club does, by going for a wee so she can have somewhere to sit for two minutes.
“I was in the toilet when you played my song… can you play it again?!”
Why not, I’m sure everyone else wants to hear it again too.
“Can you play something I can actually dance to?”
(Said whilst overlooking a dance-floor full of moving bodies).
“Can you turn it down a bit?” I get it, you’re here with friends, you’re trying to socialise and you can barely hear each other talk. Here’s an idea go to a restaurant next time. Now get the fuck out of the DJ box so he can continue serving those who didn’t come to a club for a nice quiet chat.
“Do you have anywhere I can charge my phone?!” Three Twitter updates telling the world what an amazing time you’re having, two snapchats and an extensive bathroom photoshoot later and you’re nearly low on phone juice. Maybe the DJ can plug it straight into his laptop; he did play your song request earlier so you’re basically best friends now.
“Can you watch my drink for a minute? They won’t let me take it to the smoking area”. Sure where would you like to put it, next to the decks or on top of one of the speakers? Better yet, the DJ can just hold it; he’s probably not really mixing anyway.
“I’m leaving soon, can you play my song now?” So what if they’re playing House at the moment and you want to hear Murder She Wrote. Your taxi is coming in five minutes and that’s all that matters.
“Can you play that song that goes… something something something la da da candddyyy” If you can’t sing sober then you definitely can’t sing drunk, so stop trying. What do you expect him to do, try and shazam your voice or maybe you’d just rather he plug your iPhone in and play the song directly from there?
“Do you have any Justin Beiber?” The answer is and will always be ‘no’. “If you don’t have it, can’t you just play it off youtube”? *DJ tries not to bludgeon you to death with his amplifier*