Public Displays of Affection Will End Up Getting You Killed
I’ve come to accept the Valentine’s day memes that have taken over my Facebook news feed. I can’t say I’m ecstatic about them, but I’ve grown to tolerate them, some even manage to get a lol out of me.
Public display’s of affection however are on a whole different level. Seeing it in my news feed is one thing, seeing it up close and personal before the effects of my morning coffee have kicked in, is quite another.
You see if I were to climb a tree in order to have the perfect angle to look in through your window with a set of military spec binoculars, solely to catch a glimpse of you and your lover eating each others faces off. Then I admit, that, would be rather creepy.
However when sitting on a peak-time southbound Victoria line tube service being FORCED to watch you make it to the grey area between 1st and 2nd base then I’m very proud to say that, that doesn’t make me the social pariah.
It’s at this point I would like to make it very obvious that this rule does NOT apply to a night bus taken on a Friday/Saturday night or on a bank holiday.
You see there are two types of people in the world. Those who are partial to a bit of public tonguing and those who aren’t.
Couples on Valentine’s Day
How Everyone Else Feels About This On A Normal Day
How They Feel About It On Valentine’s Day
The emotional instability is probably explained by lack of sugar in your diet in the weeks leaden up to Valentines Day. Just like on a birthday or for a wedding, Valentine’s Day is the date in our calendar that most of us set as the date to achieve our ideal dress size by. Hence the boycotting of our the local corner shop for and it’s isles of crisps and extortionately priced Freddos.
That coupled with the pitying look from the postman when he only hands us bills, dominoes spam mail and a postcard from our grandmother on her silver anniversary generally tends to have two effects on people;
And it’s not just single people experiencing this extreme Valentine’s Day hate. In fact, it’s the people in relationships who have the most anger about it all. Spending £60 on glitter coated flowers that will be £9 tomorrow?
Well that would piss anyone off.
Frankly your public display’s of affection are not helping.
“Why?”, you ask.
Your public games of tonsil tennis actually cause most people to see red. Let alone the fact that Valentine’s Day has already rendered us emotionally unstable setting off the cuckoo birds in our heads.
You can only get away with it you’re homeless.
If you have a roof over your head but you still wish to make me feel like a middle aged man in a rain coat standing on a platform in middle England waiting for a train, then you will have to accept I may give you a dirty look at best and at worse (Drake voice) shoot daggers at you.