The sex is so bad you start planning your weekend
So, I’d been speaking to my latest beau for a while. We’d been on great dates, been to Gauchos (no Nandos out here) and the theatre (no Orange Wednesdays) and genuinely liked spending time with each other. Still, after each great date and goodnight kiss after the ride home, we both knew that the big S.E.X was lurking around the corner. Whatever your feelings on giving up the love muffin, having sex with someone for the first time is a huge thing.
There’s the initial feeling that the guy you have spent so much time on is actually “like all the others” (cliché I know) and is only after one thing. Once he gets it, he’s going to move all Nightcrawler on you and disappear. On top of that little demon there’s the general apprehension of seeing someone naked for the first time and them seeing you. However, with all these thoughts you don’t ever entertain the fact that the sex will be bad. You just don’t consider it, why would you? The guy is hot and ticking all the right personality boxes. He must have tickled someone’s belly button from inside before right? WRONG!
Lets get it on
So, the night finally arrives and we go back to his house. I’ve shaved and exfoliated and buffed all the necessary areas (ladies holla if you hear me!) Everything is plucked and sucked in and we’re ready to go. Even he’s made an extra effort, extra nice the whole evening, he smelt extra fresh and the trim was extra sharp. Everything is going great, he does the mandatory preliminary processes of asking if I want a drink or want to “do something” when we both know the something we came here to do! All the while you’re sitting thinking, “let’s do this already, jump my bones!” So anyway, he finally gets the courage to kiss me. Guys usually do this after some pitiful attempt at play fighting (old school) or being all cute and what not and just dashing you on the sofa or bed, whichever takes his fancy. Either way, the kissing is going great, you’re feeling it and really getting into the neck sucking and lip biting and…let me stop. Now, cut out the Olympic sprint to get each other starker naked (socks as well please!) and finding the necessary precautions (no babies!) you finally get down to the get down. This is where it all goes horribly wrong…
We’ve been at it for about 5 minutes and all now I’m still lying on my back. It sounds as if he’s turned into a dragon the heavy breathing into my ear is ridiculous (he thinks I like it but I never sent that memo) making Peppa Pig noises and moving like he’s having an epileptic fit. Now, if this has ever happened to you (it probably has), you start to come up with all rational reasons why he’s not fulfilling the coitus criteria:
1. He hasn’t had sex in a while, he’s just revelling in the feeling again
2. He’s warming up
3. He’s trying not end too quickly.
The flashing LED clock on his bedside table tells you its been about 8 minutes (you’ve had time to check) and he still hasn’t moved out of missionary. Side note: if you’ve ever been with a guy taller than you (if you haven’t, sort your life out) then missionary is the most annoying position. Your chin ends up in that bony bit of his shoulder so you have to turn your head so you don’t get a concussion. Right now, I WANT to look away in horror and disbelief because by now I’m so bored and angry, tears are threatening. Anyway, he’s doing the Harlem shake (the Eve version) in your hot box. It’s almost laughable when he attempts talking dirty to you! Talking about, “do you like it?” NO BITCH! NO!
When will this end
It’s at this point that I’ll realise it may be best to cut him off! After approximately 9 ½ minutes of him showing me his best jackhammer impression with no apparent acknowledgement that I’d been lying there thinking about my plans for the weekend, he has the absolute mind boggling audacity to tell me to get on top. NO BITCH! If you think I’m going to waste my time on top after you’ve brought autumn early to my lady garden, you have another thing coming!
You have just given me a get out of jail free card, one that I will take full advantage of. As I actually have a good bone in my body (not his) I cite stomach cramps promptly refuse to change position, get up, get dressed and make my way home. I went home and haven’t spoken to him since. When he called me the next day he received an answer from T Mobile voicemail service. When he called me the day after that I had to press decline. What the T-Mobile lady told him on that occasion I will never know.
The only consoling thing about the aftermath of bad sex is telling people. As disappointing as it was at the time, it makes a great tale for my girlfriends (that’s right we talk about sex too). Any mutual female friends were now privy to f his weak sex game.There are of course instances when someone could be nervous (the first time) and if you really want to, you can go back for seconds just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. Good luck with that!