When She’s On Top And She’s The ONLY One Gaining From It: The 9 Things Women Do In Bed That ALL Men Secretly Hate
I’m not gonna lie, I love a good moan. I’ll complain and moan about anything and everything, everything except sex that is. You’ve heard the quote, “pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good”. I can’t really argue with that logic either, I’ve found it to be 100% true.
I don’t really have a huge complaint about sex, my only major issue is really when I’m not getting any. That said there are a few things that you ladies do, that honestly piss awl men off.
There’s way too many things men find annoying during sex that we can’t keep silent about any longer. So here we go…
1. THAT GRINDING BULLSHIT
When ever a woman decides to get up on top its always a bit of a lottery, sometimes it feels great and sometimes it’s the most boring, pointless exercise possible. Most of the time I won’t say anything, you will however be able to tell that something is up (no pun intended) if have a similar expression to that of Pharrell.
2. HOW YOU GON’ SING FACE DOWN ASS UP AND NOT DO IT?
Ladies, please, please arch your backs! It’s not too much to ask for. When you’re in doggy, we do most of the work anyway so all we ask is that when we’re hitting it from the back you’re in the right position.
3. “WAIT 1 SEC..I’m GOING TO THE TOILET”
Yes, I know sometimes it’s completely necessary but did you really have to tell me? If you said excuse me and went next door it would have been cool, now you’re next door and what’s that sound?…fuuuuckk..I can literally hear you on the toilet next door. Great.
4. THE FANNY FARTS
When it happen’s, I’ll be the gentleman, act like I don’t care and laugh it off. You know why because, sex. It doesn’t matter that your cooch is ringing off like an alarm because…yes you guessed it, nothing else maters more than sex at this precise moment in time. It doesn’t mean it didn’t scare the shit out of me though, you gotta cut that out for real.
5. NO FOREPLAY
What do you mean put it in. I wanna enjoy this, I’ve been thinking about this all night. I’ve sat through dinner and a film rock hard. It’s 2am and i’m not gonna just “put it in, no way“. Speaking of foreplay this brings me on to my next very crucial point…
6. TEETH, TOO MUCH TEETH
Seriously what is this? It’s honestly one of the most irritating, painful, heart in mouth, moments any man will experience. As much as we want to pull your head and scarily sharp teeth off of, we struggle on hoping that you realise the grunts we’re making are part pain part fear as opposed to of being out of joy.
C’mon babe let’s not be childish here. Spitting, really? You gotta swallow that shit. You know how many women in the world wanna have my babies in them (none – but she doesn’t know that). You’re disrespecting me by spitting all over the place like you’ve swallowed bleach. Act like an adult.
8. PRE-ARRANGED SEXY TIME
This is really one that men will ever experience when in a relationship, way after the honeymoon periods over. At the start it was sex non stop, you would put it on us pretty much everywhere, for the lucky few it may have even got to the point where you thought you were running low on your stash of little soldiers.
Now we only have sex on special occasions most often it’s in celebration of something; a new job, pay rise, a bank holiday, my birthday, your birthday or jesus birthday. Oh and of course lets not forget when we’re about to head out for a night clubbing with the boys, (You women really need to stop that). Spice it up a bit ladies, keep us on our toes.
9. TALK ABOUT NON-SEX RELATED THINGS
In bed during sex, the the only thing I’m thinking about is sex…and maybe football. I can’t help it though, I’m always thinking about football and it’s really not my fault. I won’t turn to you and ask you about the game Arsenal won though Ieep it to myself. So when we’re in the middle of sex, don’t think that’s the right time to ask me “Who’s that bitch that keeps retweeting you”. It’s the biggest mood killer. You wanna talk, stick to “harder“, “pull my hair“, “don’t stop” etc etc. Everything else we can talk about after. And I can go back to pretending to listen.