The Social Media Stalking Disasters That Have Definitely Happened To You.
When it comes to online stalking, we just can’t help ourselves and although everyone does it, there’s still no bigger shame than being caught out.
Our cyber stalking hit-lists consist of boyfriends: old, new and potential. Followed by girlfriends and ex girlfriends of every male we’ve ever come into contact with. Followed by those bitches that comment on your boyfriends & even your male friends Facebook statuses.
We like to think of it less as ‘stalking’ and more as ‘subtle monitoring’ of everyone you know and even some people you don’t. Of course it’s all fun and games until you slip into a stalking coma and unconsciously make your creepy little presence known to those you never wanted to find out.
Don’t judge yourself too harshly, we’ve all done it:
Best case scenario: you notice instantly and unfollow within seconds. Followed by three hours of “maybe she didn’t notice” obsessing to your best friend.
Worst case scenario: you then fall asleep and realise the next morning when your best friend texts you to ask “why did you follow bitch for”.
Either way, the only thing to do now is spend half an hour following and unfollowing your besties and debating what the chances are that she has her email notifications turned on.
I propose Twitter implement a “are you sure you want to favorite that tweet” pop up past midnight.
It’s late, we’ve already dropped our phones on our faces twice while cyber stalking in bed, it’s only a matter of time before we do something else ridiculous and stupid.
I use snapchat on 3 occasions:
1. My dog is looking adorable the the whole world must see.
2. I look amazing and the whole world must see.
3. I look hideous and think it will be hilarious to add an eyeliner mustache, achieve a double chin and send it to my sister.
When ugly snap-chatting, beware of fat finger syndrome, otherwise you will end up sending that sh*t to the wrong person. Followed by a face fixing session and 56 hot selfies which must immediately be posted on instagram to prove that you’ve still got it.
You Screen Shot A Crush’s Hot Instagram Pic To Send To Your Friend. You Text It To Your Crush Instead With The Caption: “YUM”
This is on par with taking a screen shot of a conversation and texting it to the person who you’re having the conversation with. Pillow. Face. Bury.
You’re in deep stalker mode when someone walks in on you. You quickly snap your laptop shut and hope to God they thought you were just looking at porn.
What you want to do: send a group Whatsapp message to everyone you know breaking the news.
What you should do: text the information to one person and hope they break the news, so you can maintain the image of having a life outside social media stalk-dom.
There’s no way out of this one; no matter what you say, he knows that you had to scroll through approximately 300 pictures of him to get to that one.
Quickly, set a status that you have sexual relations with llamas and hope he thinks you were fraped.
The only way to get out of this, is fooling him into thinking he told you. Never follow “how did you know that?” with “Oh I saw it on your Twitter…” followed by a silent but implied “even though I don’t follow you I still check your timeline every day”
Just stick with “you told me silly” and quickly change the subject. Hopefully he’ll just become paranoid that he’s got a piss poor memory and you can use that in your favor at a later date.
Because while we all love a good snoop, we’re not very good at keeping it on the down low.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we’re less sexy secret agent and more ‘someone remove this iPad from my hands and ban me from the internet immediately’.