How To Tell Your Girlfriend She’s Getting Fat
You’ve noticed it, her friends have noticed it, even her skinny jeans have noticed it.
Yet despite the fact she’s had to ask you to sit on her, several times, in order for her to successfully zip her trousers up, she seems to be none the wiser. Either that or she doesn’t care (officially known as the “who cares, I’ve got a man now” syndrome).
So aside from just coming out and saying it, how the hell do you get her to unhand the donuts and eat a celery stick for a change?
Boyfriends beware; this is not for the faint hearted:
Telling her the truth might hurt her feelings, so it’s probably best to just lie, but not too convincingly. Then if she gets offended say “baby, I will love you no matter what shape you are”.
I know what you’re thinking… what if she actually believes that?! She won’t, because what you were meant to say is “baby you’re hot, trust me”. In the female language, any deviation from this pretty much translates to: “a cow would look better in those jeans”.
The problem with winter is that our entire wardrobe consists of leggings, baggy jumpers and onesies. Under all those layers, it’s almost impossible for us to even find the extra pounds we’ve been piling on, let alone worry about them.
It’s not until summer rolls back around and we’re trying to squeeze into a pair of shorts that it occurs to us we’ve almost doubled in size. But while we can lie to ourselves, we can’t deny the photographic evidence.
Hot girls are other girls kryptonite. Their automatic reaction is “what’s that bitch got that I don’t?” In this instance we’re hoping a little voice at the back of her mind pipes up and says “thigh gap”.
In an idea world, you could solve this whole problem by cancelling Thursday night dinner with your girl and taking her for a jog instead. But since this isn’t an ideal world, the best I can suggest is you try to convince her not to order the burger with four sides.
Oh and maybe romantically prod her stomach while you’re at it.
6. Get her a gym membership for Valentine’s day.
Then when she complains about how un-romantic that is, distract her with a cupcake. If that doesn’t work, tell her that you thought it would be romantic for you to start working out together.
And if you are going to break up with her, you better do it over dinner. That way, at least you will leave her in the comforting arms of her other true love: food.