How To Tell If You’re A Bad Kisser
I love a good smooch as much as the next girl. The tender little peck in the morning, the ‘I-haven’t-seen-you-in-ages’ long intimate embrace and the round the back of the bins snog (what? Haven’t we all).
Each and every little kiss has its own charm. However it all can go catastrophically when you realize… Oh hell, this person has no clue what they’re doing with their lips. Even worse after coming face to face with 2-3 bad kissers, you start to realize the one thing they have in common is you.
If in doubt, here are some of the biggest signs that your kissing technique is sub-par.
They decline the second offer
If someone is trying to play hard to get, after you’ve already got them, then they’re probably not playing at all. If you’ve just locked lips with a hotty in a bar and their first response to run away then queue the warning bells. “Maybe she just went to the bar?” Yes well, needing to wash her mouth out with vodka after coming into contact with you, isn’t the greatest of signs either.
The chances are your first kiss probably didn’t rock their world. In fact, there’s a good chance it was pretty shit. Don’t persevere, back off and go practice on a pillow or on a close friend, or something.
Chewing gum mysteriously materializes out of nowhere…
The worst thing anyone can say after you’ve just had your tongue in their mouth is: “Gum?”
Did you leave a bad taste in their mouth? Probably. What can I say; a little oral hygiene goes a VERY long way.
If you think snogging might be on the night’s menu, maybe grab a pack of Extra Peppermint flavor and stow it away in your pocket/handbag. While we’re at it- check beforehand if your beau of the night is a smoker. Non-smokers will gag at the taste of a smoker’s breath, just so you know.
They seem more interested in your neck/shoulders/forehead/nose
All you want is somewhere to home your tongue for they night, yet every time you pucker up, they seem to go straight towards OTHER parts of your anatomy (and not the good ones either). Cheek, forehead, neck, shoulders… but why not the lips?
Mostly likely? You’re a bad kisser sir! Dodging, ducking, dipping and diving away from your mouth are all signs that there is room for improvement in your kissing technique. Improve your game and soon you’ll be getting plenty of tongue-action.
The ‘Washing-Machine Mouth’
Let talk style. Are you quick to jump in at the deep end with open mouth kissing? Yes? Stop that at once. A little tongue action is nice but jump in too aggressively and you might leave your partner choking on a mouthful of you.
The game is not to see how far and how vigorously you can shove your tongue in their mouth.
If you’re not sure how much tongue is too much tongue take note: when you pull away, your kissee should not be left with residue saliva all over their cheeks, chin or nose. Shocking though this may seem… that’s a sign you’re doing it wrong!
You draw blood
I like a little bit of nibbling. A cheeky little playful nip of the lip never hurt anyone, right? But then there’s always that one person who takes it too far.
So here’s a new rule: unless your partner is into BDSM, avoid chowing down on their lips. Stick to nibbling and easy does it. General consensus says, if instead of moans, you’re eliciting pained sounds and blood, you’re not doing it right, so stop.
Face Says It All…
Picture the scene: you’ve just had the nicest, longest, most sensational smooch of the night with the guy/girl of your dreams, but as you pull away, something about their facial expression isn’t quite right. Did you suck too hard? Did you dribble on their top? (It happens).
Or perhaps it’s the fact you’re standing in the alleyway behind the bar, next to the dumpster full of the scraps from the next door kebabby? Well, there’s only three things you can do now:
1) check her t-shirt for dribble 2) If there is none, decide to blame it on the circumstance and not your kissability 3) Just to be sure, try these same moves out on your hand when you get home, to check you’re doing it right.