The 10 best reasons for not making it home after a night out
You know it’s been a heavy night when you find yourself stumbling back home at some stage the following morning or afternoon even. No matter where you ended up, there’s always the potential for a memorable story, here’s a few of the best ways to explain why you went from going ‘out’ to going and staying ‘out out’…
1. The One Night Stand
The old favourite, you’ve been out, you’ve pulled, now get your coat. After a night of ‘playing away’ there’s the infamous ‘walk of shame’ or better yet, the ‘stroll of success’ to look forward to. Just make sure, you don’t overstay your welcome as nobody needs that nonsense on a hungover Sunday morning.
2. The A & E Trip
Not quite as glamorous as you’d hoped the night would be, but nevertheless managing to achieve a hospital – worthy injury when going for ‘a few beers’ in town is quite an accomplishment. Maybe you’ve had a row and kindly been granted a broken nose, or less heroically trodden on broken glass, either way you’ve got a cool scar to share online.
3. The Lost Boys
It happens to the best of us, when on tour in unfamiliar territory. The taxi money has inevitably been spanked on a final tequila shot, so the only choice is to optimistically wander back to the hotel/friends house. Of course, after several drinks you automatically become a human sat-nav confident of finding the quickest and most convenient route home, or more likely end up lost and kip in a field.
4. The After Party
A sick party always threatens to develop into a continuous after party. When you are in the zone you refuse to believe that 3am is a suitable bedtime and fully intend to remain ‘two-stepping’ until dawn. There’s surely some drunk maniac in the club who is going to kindly invite fifty people back to his two bedroom flat? Turn down for what I hear you ask.
5. The Lock Out
An absolute nightmare by all accounts, you’ve managed to stumble home, exhausted and nothing seems more appealing right now than your cosy bed. After reaching into your pocket, to your dismay there’s no key in sight! Thus begins the challenge of somehow breaking into your own house like a confused burgular. The possibilities are endless here, anything from ladders to trampolines could become involved.
6. The Spoon
Similar to a one night stand, however it’s far more upsetting. Having initiated some of your best moves and managed to persuade some poor girl to accompany you home, she proceeds to drop one of several bombshells ‘it’s the wrong time of the month’ ‘I’m not that kind of girl’ or worst of all ‘I’m kind of seeing this guy’ all of which simply means you won’t be getting your leg over. But by all means give her a cuddle for 8 hours.
7. The Collapse
We’ve surely all one night witnessed or experienced ourselves the moment when somebody is pissed to such an extent that they can no longer physically stand. The most popular setting for this is typically in the high street, opposite the bars. Girls in particular are experts at collapsing on the pavement, the only difference being ladies are always rescued and carried to safety. Boys, however will more than likely be left in a drunken heap outside Subway.
8. The Mad One
A less frequent ending to a night, however there will come a time when each and everyone of us will officially ‘lose our shit’. Actions could range from anything, removing clothing and charging through the town centre, sprinting down the hard shoulder of the motorway, or deciding that the perfect moment has come to try and cut it as a TV Presenter, resulting in a 15 minute, incoherent video upload, which, if amusing enough could well go viral before you’ve had your breakfast.
9. The Lock Up
It’s not big and it’s not clever, your actions last night were so appalling that you winded up getting nicked and spent the night behind bars. Of course, you were only ‘having a laugh’ when you tried to happy slap the bouncer, but be warned things escalate quickly… and the last addition you want to the crippling hangover is a criminal record.
10. The Mystery
Arguably the most frightening way to not make it home is by not having a clue how it happened. Your mind is blank and potentially you could’ve been anywhere, with anyone, but with zero recollection of the evenings antics, paranoia will begin to set in. The following day will be dominated by frantically searching for evidence; receipts in jeans pockets, drunken texts, missed calls, nightclub stamps all over your forearm, it really does develop into a personal game of Cluedo. Eventually at some point in the near future you’ll be informed by a friend, through a series of unflattering photos, just how grotesque you were last night.