Things We All Wish We Could Do On A First Date
First dates are sort of like sexy job interviews. The only real difference is that if you’re lucky the interview is accompanied by dinner and ends with a snog instead of a handshake.
The other components are pretty much the same. You have to wear make-up, you have to show up on time and you definitely have to hone your personal bragging skills. Sure with a little less “I’m great at photocopying” and a little more “my personal trainer says I bend like a pretzel”.
Just like interviews, on a first date you have to bring your ‘best self’ to the table. Everyone knows, that what you get on a first date is a 20% improvement of the real thing, so if you seem a little crazy from date number one, then the other person can only wonder what kind of lunatic they’ll have on their hands when you actually feel comfortable enough to be yourself.
So in the name of proper dating etiquette, here are all the things we all wish we could do, but definitely cant:
Have a snog at the start of the date instead of at the end. That way if they’re tongue illiterate, you can save yourself four hours of small talk and fake sudden illness. There’s nothing more depressing than an amazing date followed by a piss poor kiss.
Eat everything in sight. After 3 days of dieting, in preparation for fitting into a cute date outfit, the prospect of eating is probably more exciting than the date itself. Though ordering three courses and two extra sides might have him wondering if you’re out for the company so much as the free food.
Skip the table manners. What kind of person eats a burger or a pizza with a knife and fork? A girl on a first date, that’s who. To truly enjoy a burger, you have to have the gherkin falling out the back and mayonnaise dripping on your chin at the front. Though apparently neither are deemed sexy or flattering. Shame that.
Skip the fake laughter. If they’re not funny they should know it. Laughing causes little creases on our faces, which eventually develop into wrinkles. When the laughter’s real it’s worth it, but if he’s not actually funny, then a girl should be allowed to think of her face.
Casually find out how many online dating profiles they have. Whilst asking him if they’re signed up to Match.com isn’t exactly subtle, opening tinder and searching for people in a 1 mile radius while he is in the bathroom might work. If all three of his profile pictures are of him topless, you still have time to ditch him before he washes his hands and returns.
Find out how much they earn. As someone who always orders a steak when they go out for dinner, it’s important to know if a guy can afford the cost of my eating habits.
Make it abundantly clear at the end of the date that we expect another one. Wouldn’t it be great if, instead of waiting by your phone for three days in hopes of another date proposition, we could just book it in whilst still on date number one? Perhaps, whilst leaning in for the mandatory end of date kiss, we could whisper “I’m free on Thursday, pick me up at eight”. Yes, if only men liked that.