Tired Of Being A Sidechick? 9 Steps To Eliminate His Girlfriend
When the guy you like starts dating someone else you have one of two options. You can either stay at home, Facebook and Instagram stalk their relationship and bitch to your friends about the fact she’s “not even that pretty”.
Or you can fight back and get exactly what it is you want: him.
One minute you’re online shopping and subtly stalking your crush on Facebook, the next thing you know his status says “In A Relationship” and you’re wondering if you’d just imagined the last 6 months of mild flirtation between you, that you was so sure were leading up to a first date.
This is the point where most women either get drunk, get bitter or get depressed. But not you. Not this time. This time you’re going to do what most girls only dream of. You’re going to break them up and get your man. Because you are meant to be together (even if he doesn’t know it yet).
Now you have a plan, there’s just have the small matter of execution. Roll your sleeves up and prepare to get dirty because if you’re going to eliminate anyone, you need to go Julia Roberts circa My Best Friend’s Wedding level of crazy to pull this off:
You know the saying “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. I’m pretty sure a home-wrecker came up with that.
Don’t try to become her bestie or anything, that would just be weird, but acknowledge her presence; throw her a smile every now and then and send a compliment her way if you have to. You’ll seem like less of a threat, making it easier to carry out the rest of your plan.
Everyone has one or two tagged but long forgotten ugly photos somewhere on their Facebook page. All you have to do is find them.
A like followed by a classic “aww you look so cute here” will do. Anything to get this photo back in everyone’s timelines and eyesight. Hopefully they’ll be so distracted by the photo that they won’t notice the fact you had to scroll through 768 other pictures to find it.
She’s tweeted that she’s staying the night at his? Send him a text in the morning. Nothing flirty and not too early, becayse nothing says “I woke up thinking of you” like a 7am text on a Sunday. Keep it casual and funny.
She’ll be wondering what the hell you have to text him about now. Worst case scenario: He doesn’t reply. Best case scenario: she becomes paranoid and clingy (neither of which are hot qualities in a girl.
After all you’re just being a good friend.
Twitter stalk your little butt off. Find out where he’s going to be on Friday night and casually suggest to your girls to go there.
Stage two: Look fabulous. Take a picture together. Upload it. Wait for them to have an argument about it. Then if he mentions the argument, sweetly offer to take the picture down.
It’s important that she remembers that she’s a catch and has loads of options too. In the successful breakdown of a relationship, both parties should have their doubts, so it’s time you planted some of hers.
Plus, there’s a chance that her boyfriend will see this sudden increase of male attention which may cause them to have an argument. And remember, every relationship is only ever an argument away from being over.
But in an innocent, non home-wrecking slut kind of way.
Girls in relationships tend put on weight. It’s only natural when every single date involves either a 3 course meal, cinema snacks or alcohol. The perks of being single is that you have extra time to get extra hot.
Write a song about it. Make millions and pay for the psychiatric help you so obviously need.