Your guide to getting out of that terrible date
Most people have a trusty friend waiting on the end of the line ready to make a get out call in case the date goes tits up. Some people prefer the fake ring function on their own phone. But there are plenty more ways to escape…
1. Say “I love you”
Guaranteed freak out from your date there and then. They will either make a run for it, concluding that you will become a crazy stalker and should therefore not allow you another look at their face, or they will stay out of politeness and wrap things up quickly. The only potential problem that could occur is them returning the words and explaining how they’ve always believed in love at first sight. Then it’s your queue to leg it.
2. Have a fake ex appear.
Get your budding actor friend to beg for you to come back. They should enter with balloons and rose petals to throw over you, before dropping to their knees and weeping on your lap. For an efficient exit, have them scoop you up and carry you out of the place (this may need to be rehearsed to avoid balloon popping/petal slippage).
3. Produce a strap-on
Simply ask, “have you ever used one of these?” preferably whilst stroking it. Possibly not the most cost effective way of date escaping, but if you end up on a string of unsuccessful dates it’ll be worth it. Of course there are other ways to get your money’s worth…
4. Get caught by a fake partner.
Pretending you’ve been caught cheating would make a fun and dramatic exit eh? This allows for the biggest most abusive argument you’ve ever had, hell, why not smash a glass or two to make it believable? If you fancy, employ someone of the same sex so they can yell “I always knew you were straight!!!” Oh the drama.
5. “I want you to meet my Family”
The ultimate scare. Inviting loved ones round to meet your new beau would freak the shit out of them. Especially if your Gran suggests a threesome.
6. Spit in their face.
Ask if you can try some of their drink and take a sip. Choke, splutter, aim and project across the table. If you’re not brave enough for this form of attack, simply backwash deliberately and determinedly. Think Listerine.
7. Get sexy
Or rather, sexual. Clamber on top of your date and lick their face, then hold on to their head as you bend back and whip your head whilst screeching ‘yes yes yes’. To be honest, if they’ve let you get that far you may be in a sticky situation. The staff however will soon be over to chuck you out; mission accomplished. Unless of course you liked the restaurant and didn’t want to be banned from it…