weird things we do but never admit to it
There’s a fine line between what is and what isn’t socially acceptable.
What some of us will only do in the confines of our bedrooms, very few dare to do in public due to the fear of being met with immediate scorn. If a man farts in public, the world would say “that’s disgusting” but what they really mean is “I can’t believe he didn’t have the decency to at least try and blame it on someone else”.
British convention tells us that certain things should be denied to the bitter end, with public farting, being only one of a very long list of things we all do… but feel we can’t admit:
1. Turning the ‘5 second rule’ into the ‘if there’s no fluff on it it’s fine” rule.
If the food you dropped was a) ice-cream or b) macaroni cheese then you should probably bin it, anything else is fine. My dog has been eating food off the floor for the last 12 years of his life and he seems to be largely unaffected by it. When it comes to dropped food, the rule of thumb is, if you can wipe it down you can eat it.
2. Counting how many more “likes” your instagram picture needs to reach 11.
This story goes a little like this: “It’s on 10? Goddamn it!” Then you begin to wonder who else you can casually coax into liking it. If you’re wondering what that sounds like, it’s a bit like this: “dude… dude yeah you got to see the picture I uploaded onto Instagram earlier… go look at it! It’s crazy… yeah… the one of my dog… Yeah… did you like it?”
3. Pretending not to see someone because you can’t be bothered to talk to them.
Sometimes being nice to people is hard. You see someone whilst you’re out and about and though your head tells you to “say hello” your heart says “oh look, a clothes rail I can hide in” and believe me… no one judges you.
4. Memorising the ‘rap’ parts of a song to impress your friends.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, memorising Shaggy’s parts of “It Wasn’t Me” isn’t sad. It’s impressive.
5. Peeing in the shower.
I read somewhere that by peeing in the shower you can save 2,500 litres of water a year. So if you think about it, it’s economical and time consuming.
6. Convincing yourself that you don’t look that ugly and that the front camera of your phone is just distorted.
When I look in the mirror my face looks fine. When I look into my phone’s front camera my face looks like someone’s put an ugly filter on it. I don’t want to blame the phone, honestly I don’t, but I highly suspect that iPhone and Photoshop are working together on this one. More ugly selfies = more people downloading the Photoshop app. You can draw your own conclusions from there.
7. Stealing from hotel carts, just for the rush.
Okay none of us need 13 teeny tiny bottles of all in one shampoo and conditioner. Nor do we need the miniature jam jars served at breakfast or the travel sized kettle which we found in the wardrobe, but complimentary goods are a little bit like presents and it would be rude not to graciously accept them.
8. Stalk old classmates on Facebook to check if they’ve got fat.
Or ugly, or pregnant
9. Grow emotionally attached to characters from a TV programme.
If I had a penny for every time I felt more emotionally attached to a TV character than I do people in real life, I’d be able to pay for the psychiatric help I so obviously need. Or at least, that’s what I thought until I saw an old classmate tweeting the cast of Grey’s Anatomy like they were her best friends too. At least I hadn’t moved on to full on hallucination
10. Asking for a “to-go” box at a restaurant, claiming it’s for your dog, which you then proceed to eat whilst driving home.
“Oh I just remembered, my dog doesn’t like Calzone’s anyway… they just give him indigestion”.
11. Letting your pet lick you in the face
(almost as though that same tongue hadn’t been lodged somewhere between their legs an hour earlier).
13. Eating family size portions of food in one sitting.
It starts with “oh I’ll just have a slither of cake” and it ends with more empty sweet wrappers than at a kid’s birthday party. Inside you’re thinking “its fine I’ll go gym tomorrow” followed by “or maybe I’ll just stay home and do this all over again…”
14. Wanting to cry because someone stole a chip from your plate.
My best friend is always on a diet. This diet seems to be called the “the calories don’t count if the food came from someone else’s plate” method of weight loss. She doesn’t know this yet, but every time she takes something from my plate, I get a little closer to building up the courage I need to run her over with my car.
Follow Miranda on Twitter @mirandalife