The Worse Things You Can Say To A Guy
Of all the lies I’ve told in my life, I think “just kidding” is probably my favorite. ‘Think before you speak’ they say, but who actually has time for that? I let people’s reactions decide if what I’ve said has gone too far, because my brain has too many other things to worry about.
A laugh usually means I’ve got away with it; fake laugh means it was a close call and absolute silence means quickly throw out a “just kidding” and hope they’re not the grudge holding type.
People like to claim that us women are a sensitive bunch, but truth be told, years of bitchiness towards each other has toughened us up nicely against a few harsh words.
Men on the other hand are not so hardened against our (slightly) bitchier side. In our defense, who the hell told these men to be so damn sensitive?
So while we might all miss the days where men were afraid to show any weakness, now as well as dealing with our own emotions, we have to deal with theirs too. So unless you want to be at the receiving end of the silent treatment, avoid, avoid avoid pretty much everything below:
“So, how come you never go gym anymore?”
Which for the record I always thought was the politer way of saying “so you’re getting kind of fat…” but apparently, men don’t see it that way. Watching back to back Channing Tatum movies and muttering “ahhh if you had a body like that” at half hour intervals is apparently an equally unacceptable means of getting the message across.
“You’re so lucky! I need to shave my legs more than you shave your face”
Which to men roughly translates to “you’re so lucky you have the masculinity of a 15 year old boy”. Whilst some men have enough hair to collect and knit into a furry cropped jacket, others are still trying to shave their 3 chin hairs into a proper beard.
They know they’re a few packets of razors away from a Zeus like appearance. You don’t need to rub it in.
“Don’t worry; it’s not about size baby, it’s about technique”.
Which for the record means “don’t worry; we can get my vibrator involved”. Note to women everywhere, if it’s not that big, it doesn’t help to say it.
“It’s a wonder you turned out normal with parents like that!”
We’ve all thought it. I’m sorry but we have. The only ones who haven’t thought it are the ones who are instead thinking “no wonder you’re so bloody unhinged with parents like that”.
The thing is, no matter how much a guy you are dating might dislike his parents, if you agree with him, he’ll dislike you even more. Just smile politely and don’t mention the fact that he’s mum is a bitch.
“FFS, you don’t have to cry every time we have an argument”.
Men cry, a lot…. or at the very least, a lot more than they would like to admit. Personally I blame The Lion King and Football. They made men comfortable with shedding the occasional tear and now they can’t bloody stop.
Times it is acceptable for men to cry: when their steak arrives hot and cooked to perfection. Times men actually cry: at the end of The Notebook, despite insisting to the rest of the world that, the film makes their balls recede 3 inches into their body.
What we are allowed to say about this: absolutely nothing.
“Can you really afford that?”
1. You’re not his mother 2. Never acknowledge he doesn’t earn that much, because next time you want to go to a fancy restaurant, you’re going to feel obliged to pay half.
I joke, I joke… kind of.
I am a woman who spends her money on shoes that she can’t afford then wears them at home while watching TV because she has no money to go out. Someone pointing out that it’s stupid? Not going to help.
“Let’s be honest, you’re never going to find anyone better than me”
Be careful, men take that shit to heart and when that happens, there’s only one of two possible outcomes: 1. He thinks “challenge accepted” or 2. He cries again.