Worst things to say after a one night stand
I reckon a lot of us have been there and done that. It’s simple: you want sex, he wants sex, neither of you want any commitment. Commence no-strings-attached sexy times.
But it usually ends like this: After a night of teetering on the edge of the bed, you wake up with a throbbing headache, and while reaching over to grab a glass of water your elbow knocks against a soft, squishy thing which makes an audible ‘hmmph!’ and the night comes flooding back.
Whatever his name is, he’s currently in your bed and he’s taking up your precious space, stealing your beauty sleep and leaving beard hairs on your pillow. Whether he’s Captain Handsome of the Sexy Brigade or Mr. Maybe-After-Six-Sambuccas… your one-night fling with him has come to an end and it’s time to act accordingly.
The world of one-night-stands is a slippery slope to navigate. What you’re thinking is: “Piss off”/ “F*ck off”/ “Clear off”/ “Kindly leave the premises immediately…”
Err… excuse me, young lady, where are your manners! You might not be interested in dating him, but you’ve invited such a gentleman into your house, nay your bedroom, which makes him a guest and he must be treated accordingly. Offer him a glass of water and a Paracetemol and wake him up before you speak of his prompt departure.
In the meantime strongly avoid all of the following:
Yes, but no. What happened to the no-strings-attached rule? Cuddling is a no-no in the morning, especially if you happened to snag yourself a stranger. He could have B.O. or worse, lice (though to be fair, it’s probably too late to worry about that now).
Drunken banging is one thing, sober cuddling just brings out all the gnarly things you didn’t notice the night before.
“Do you want to grab some brekkie?”
Great, you’ve just bought yourself another hour or so of awkward chitchat. Avoid this one if you can, if he has a growling stomach or is casting various glances in the direction of the kitchen, just give the man a bacon sarnie to-go and send him on his way.
“I handcuffed you to the bed but now I can’t find the key.”
Most. Unwelcome. News. Ever.
“Can I get your number?”
What, you didn’t pick it up at the bar the night before? Probably a good sign then, really, that you/he leave swiftly without exchanging digits.
Why? Surely if the chemistry was strong enough, you would have exchanged numbers before the drunken storm hit. Just for safety purposes. If you didn’t want his digitals last night, assume your drunken self, had a very good reason.
“I know it’s morning time, but there’s still plenty of time to experiment with those fantasies you told me about last night…”
For God’s sake woman, when the morning comes round it’s time to shut up and go your separate ways. So what if his talk of whips and chains from last night really revved your engine?
The moment has now come and gone. Plus, for all you know he may have been drunkenly reciting something he read off the Internet rather than expressing a true interest for things inserted in places. Send him on his way now before you find out the awkward way that he is more slow and steady than rough and ready.
“We should do this again!”
Should you? Just remember that this is no strings attached sexy times. There will be no texting or contact of any kind until a minimum of 12 hours passes. For the following reasons: if it was truly a one night stand you won’t care if you don’t speak again for a while (or in fact ever again).
If you suddenly find the urge to contact him you either have feelings (and what did we say about those) or you’re attempting to set up a potential booty call.
Of course there’s no reason a one-night-stand couldn’t turn into something more (booty or otherwise). Just place the ball in his court and let him serve first, just remember not to be disappointed if you don’t hear from him by the end of the week.
“Oh-em-GEE I can’t WAIT for you to meet _____”
Nope, nope and nope. Whether it’s your BFFL, your pet tortoise Rockie, or your Nana on her birthday, your one night stand does not want to meet the important people in your life. A horrified chorus of “you met where!?!?!” is all you have waiting behind that door.
“I’m really not looking for anything right now…”
Be open minded. If you’ve met someone who you’re attracted to and seem to get on well with, why send him running for the hills with a statement like that?
If the sex was good and so is his face in the light of day, then don’t write him off too soon. You might just be the next urban dating legend: the girl who slept with the guy on a first date* and still got asked out again. (*Assuming that drinking tequila with a stranger at in a club counts as a first date that is).
Twitter Handle: @TillyTasker